A colleague who ignored my request for a favor is now asking me for a favor. How should I respond?

Question

I asked a colleague to give me a short tour of their lab to see how they have established it. Later, I followed up saying I was still interested in visiting their lab. They told me that they would reach out with a date later after their major deadline. It's been a while since that deadline passed and I have not been invited until now. My colleague gave a similar tour to another person after the above-mentioned deadline passed yet I was not invited. So, I assume my colleague was not interested in giving me the tour. I thought it was okay--even though I felt bad--since it's up to them to decide whom to invite or not invite.

Later, the same colleague asked me for a favor to do a task that was up to them to complete. The task requires a qualified person who is good enough to make intellectual judgments. So they may be asking me to do the task because 1) I am one of the qualified persons and 2) it may not necessarily be a good use of their time or fun to do the task.

Officially, neither I nor my colleague have obligations/incentives to work together with or fulfill requests from each other. I am in a transitional job in my current position. The only incentive for me to accept their request is to maintain a good working relationship if I accept a long-term position in my current office--an option I consider a possibility for now.

Personally, I don't want to refuse their request because I like helping people. Helping them with the requested task may not be necessarily a good use of my time and beneficial for me. But I don't mind fulfilling someone's request if they ask and I can help. But, I am also not happy that they silently refused my request earlier and now asking for a favor which is also not a good use of my time either.

I don't want to say "You rejected my request earlier and now you are requesting a favor which is not a good use of my time either" directly or indirectly. But I want to make them realize that mutual respect is important in a collegial relationship. How should I do that?

Note: this happened in academia. So, I posted here.

Update: I asked in workplace and interpersonal skills. But was not well received in both platforms. People in both platforms suggested this post does not belong there.

Update: I accepted help request made by my colleague and I will fulfill what I promised. But it’s almost clear that acting busy is mostly a matter of priority. I know there are kind people around. But I am writing this update so other people like me will not just think someone is super busy when they are just pretending being busy with a motive of not honoring the request.

Answer 1

I strongly suggest that you happily agree to the favor. Happily. It is "in your lane". Every one will benefit.

And, you can also say that you are still interested in visiting their lab when it is possible.

DON'T make one contingent on the other. Don't say or imply that. That would be unfriendly, and, frankly, dumb.

How would you have reacted if the original situation were reversed and you were in the middle of important work with impending deadlines? My guess is that you would have done just as they did and then forgotten about it unless and until reminded.

Please, it is in your own best interest. Long term.

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Let me expand a bit.

Helping them out with their problem might actually let you learn something you don't already know. That would be a mutual benefit, perhaps as great as visiting their lab. I can't guarantee it, but such things happen.

I'll also note that "ignored" might be too strong. I can't promise that it is, but your description seems to not suggest that, but rather someone who is (too) focused on their own work and frantic about deadlines. It is all to easy to forget everything else. Earlier this year I was involved in a project that consumed me entirely. Couldn't sleep (brain too active), couldn't reliably do certain "habitual" tasks. There are people who are sort of always in that state and hard to get through to. Some are "on the spectrum" actually and just don't react "properly" in situations such as you suggest. They can be nice people, though they don't project that.