[comments from my supervisor]
You still have a tendency to use phrases such as "All in all", and "To this end". Not a serious problem of course, but be aware that the editors/reviewers for some scientific journals will not accept such wording - they will see it as a waste of words (the phrases have little real meaning, after all) and will encourage a more concise form of writing. You also continue to split infinitives (e.g. "To effectively curtail"), again not a serious problem, but not "good" formal English if that is what you are aiming for.
Above are some comments from my supervisor on my writing styles. So how should I improve from here, for instance, if not saying 'all in all', 'to this end', what connecting words should I use. And, if not starting a sentence with infinitives, how should I restructure my sentences.
[the referred sentence that has a bad style]
To effectively curtail pollution from all sources requires attention paid to the long-overlooked industrial pollution. To this end, this PhD research emphasises the need to ...