I am average student completed my under-grad and grad studies successfully. I am doing PhD since mid 2015 (~7 years now).

I was a hard-working student. I was a self-motivated student always wanted to do PhD and stay in Academia. I was hoping somehow my work will help to people.

If I compare playing tennis to a PhD studies, I feel like my advisor is breaking my racket to motivate me and I cannot keep up with a broken racket, which is my will to move on.

These are the some stuff that my advisor told me multiple times. I cannot forget or over-write them:

• "You disappointed and hurt me. I don't know what am I going to do with you." // One year later, during a meeting over zoom, when I told him that these words offended me and I do not want to hurt you anymore, he just closed the zoom meeting to my face saying I am not your psychologist.

• "You are like a turtle. You can't even graduate in 20-30 years."

• "You are bad at time management and always lost in details."

• "Your model is junk. I won't write my name on top of this model."

• "Even high-school students won't make the mistakes you do. Should I keep going?" [Me]: "No, please don't."

• He threw a book at me and told me that: "You should learned from it"

• He keep showing his other students Ph.D. and throw in front of me saying: "See how good they are writing, you should write like them, but I don't understand what you write."

• I have 3 other Ph.D. students, I have to work on their papers, thesis, I have classes to teach. I don't time for you. // But later, I learn that he was actually working on some other project that he get fund.

In front of all the jury members he also mentioned:

• "I am giving you F to motivate you. I trust you keep working."
• "I never helped that much to any of my student in my life. I don't know what I can do more."
• "I start to understand the way he thinks and explains his work after 4 years. He is very complex."
• "Doing Ph.D. is not meant for you, you don't have enough capacity for it."
• "I cannot compile you."
• "I don't believe that you implemented and tested your code" // I have actually done
• "If I want I can help his journal paper but I will never put a single character on his journal" with a small smile on his face

Everything boiled up when I get F from my progress at Fall 2018 on my PhD studies. All lead to depression and anxiety.

Then pandemic started in 2019. I have semester multiple semesters and enter into progress again in beginning of 2022 and jury gave me F again and threated me that if I don't submit my journal paper till next semester they will give me the second F and kick me out. Since than, I completely disconnected from my advisor, start to fear from him, but keep working on my journal.

I have completed my paper and shared with my advisor 8 months ago, and updated version 2 months ago -- but there is no response from my advisor. When I see him face to face, he keeps saying he was busy and have to work for his other student's papers.

=> If he allows me to submit my work to a journal; and if I complete my second journal in this semester (~within 4 months) there is a hope that I am approaching to graduation. If I cannot submit my journal in this month I think the everything is over.

Overall, I am not blaming my advisor, instead I chose blame myself and think over the following questions:

• Where did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve all this?
• Why did I start PhD journey?
• Did I lost most important years of my life for nothing?
• If I have chosen a different advisor, would it be the same?

All these let me to realize that I am actually not mentally and emotionally capable enough to be successful in PhD or even in any job from now on related to computer science and coding. I feel like have invested nearly 15 years (sum of undergrad and grad studies) of my life for something I am not worth of. And probably when I kicked out from PhD I will never ever code again.

=> Should I conclude that I am not capable enough to do PhD with the words of my advisor? or Should I give myself another chance?