I am average student completed my under-grad and grad studies successfully. I am doing PhD since 4.5 years.
I was a hard-working student. I was a self-motivated student always wanted to do PhD and stay in Academia. I was hoping somehow my work will help to world.
If I compare playing tennis to a PhD studies, I feel like my advisor is breaking my racket to motivate me and I cannot keep up with a broken racket, which is my will to move on.
These are the some stuff that my advisor told me multiple times. I cannot forget or over-write them:
"You disappointed and hurt me. I don't know what am I going to do with you." // One year later, during a meeting over zoom, when I told him that these words offended me and I do not want to hurt you anymore, he just closed the zoom meeting to my face saying I am not your psychologist.
"You are like a turtle. You can't even graduate in 20-30 years."
"You are bad at time management and always lost in details."
"Your model is junk. I won't write my name on top of this model."
"Even high-school students won't make the mistakes you do. Should I keep going?" [Me]: "No, please don't."
He threw a book at me and told me that: "You should learned from it"
He keep showing his other students Ph.D. saying: "See how good they are writing, you should write like them."
In front of all the jury members he also mentioned:
- "I am giving you F to motivate you. I trust you keep working."
- "I never helped that much to any of my student in my life. I don't know what I can do more."
- "I start to understand the way he thinks and explains his work after 4 years. He is very complex."
Everything boiled up when I get
F from my progress on my PhD studies. All lead to depression and anxiety.
Overall, I am not blaming my advisor, instead I chose blame myself and think over the following questions:
- Where did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve all this?
- Why did I start PhD journey?
- Did I lost most important years of my life for nothing?
- If I have chosen a different advisor, would it be the same?
All these let me to realize that I actually not capable enough mentally and emotionally to be successful in PhD or even in any job from now on.
=> Should I conclude that I am not capable enough to do PhD with the words of my advisor? or Should I give myself another chance?
Note: If this is not a proper question to ask, I can delete right away.