Today I saw that one of my students in the class was looking very sad. He sat down at the end of class and he looked like he was in a bad mood. After all the students left the classroom I called him over. He told me that his mother has cancer.
I told him be strong and try to not think about it too much. But honestly, this was a big lie. How can I try to get him to not think too much of it?
What should I have said to him?
As an instructor, the best you can do is to offer your condolences and tell him to just ask you if he needs anything. For example, you could offer an extension on assignments. If he needs some time off from lectures, maybe a classmate who takes good lecture notes will agree to make a photocopy, or you could get the lectures to be recorded for him.
Your university might also have a policy that allows students to withdraw from the course and receive a refund of fees without penalty to grades: it would be worth finding this out and advising your student if this is possible. Depending on the severity of the illness and how much it is affecting your student, he might wish to take fewer (or zero) courses for a while.
If the course is nearly finished, perhaps an aegrotat (compassionate consideration) will be applicable to the final exam. But neither an illness in the family, nor a bereavement or any personal physical or mental health issue can excuse a student from having to learn the material and complete assessments in order to pass a course. He will still have to demonstrate mastery of most of the material.
Just be compassionate, and as flexible as you feasibly can. Nobody could ask for more.
I imagine that most universities will have policy on this, and professionals who are trained to help. Apart from "find out the policy", IMHO unless you know the student well personally and are confident in your ability to deal with things like this (which the fact that you are asking this question suggests you are not) then all you should do is express sympathy and,
NB I have no particular qualification to comment here; once again, your uni probably has people whose job it is. If in doubt, consult them.
You might encourage him to reach out to other resources at the university. I imagine your university has counseling or psychological services, a chaplain, and the student may have an assigned advisor who can help the student understand their options, and provide professionally trained support.
I think the comments about offering certain accommodations, as you think appropriate, is generous and reasonable.
I told him be strong and try to not think about it too much. But honestly, this was a big lie. How can I try to get him to not think too much of it?
This is not your place. I was due to graduate top of my class back in 2005 before a tutor started to hand out unprofessional advice that she was not qualified to give. I stopped working altogether and couldn't graduate. The gap on my CV and the loss of my dad, plus not being able to graduate caused a lot of pain. I hope you keep it professional. You might be opening a can of worms by overstepping the mark and putting someone's life in a much worse place.
It's unhelpful to tell you the teacher what you "should have said" because there is no perfect recipe for what to say, if exactly the same situation should arise again which it won't. Your priority should be to acknowledge that your student gave you an answer which you understood. I advise not advising anything before you, or someone with time for closer discussion with the student, has identified an actual need. I would ask whether his mother is receiving treatment or tests. From the answer you will learn whether the student has good or uncertain information, without which you cannot know whether this is just an imaginary case of worry, an actual terminal cancer case or likely something in between. There are other good answers here aimed at helping the student complete or delay completing the class. An empathic response (that I learned from a doctor) to be used if and only if the student talks about his Mother's medical progress is "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best".
My two cents: While a tragedy has befallen this student's family, the student must keep up his work.
Part of life is learning how to deal with blows like this, and to keep moving though them.
He will need to prioritize things in his life, in order to make sure that he fulfills his educational requirements, while also meeting familial expectations.
Working on his education can actually be a way to take his mind off of his family situation, if he chooses to look at it that way, or he can see it as a burden, but in the end that is his choice to make.
I think you did right to offer your condolences, but am not sure if there really is anything else you need to do as an instructor.
Its good that the student shared the problem,the best thing to do is to let the student know that the parent is not the only one with cancer and he shouldn't over think about it,its normal,it happens and most of all it can be controlled by a series of medical procedures,the student has to accept the fact because its not the end of everything after all,Just try to encourage him or her that the doctors are under control and the parent will be ok
