Recommendation letter by significant other if you worked with them professionally?

Question

My significant other (SO) and I are in five years of relationship. We met working in a lab and she already earned her PhD at that time. I was a graduate student. She was the main person I went after my adviser if I had logical questions about my project and helped me the process throughout. We now have two publications together. We worked professionally together for almost three years. She knows my potential both personally and professionally.

I am wondering if it is okay to use a letter of recommendation from her to apply for a PhD program. Updated: I edited the word "supervisor" as suggested by a commenter. She wasn't an official supervisor but, provided tremendous help with analytical issues. We also stay collaborating on other research projects until today even after we both were out of the lab.

Answer 1

No. If she discloses your relationship in the letter, the reviewer will likely disregard the letter completely, and may question your judgment for having asked her for a letter. If she does not disclose your relationship in the letter, that is a serious enough omission that it could have consequences for you later on (I can't quite tell where you are in your career, but the more senior you are, the more severe these consequences could be).

Answer 2

I'm going to come in with a no. (See edit remark at the end).

I originally said cautious yes. You can use a letter from your SO, with some caveats, as follows:

1. It should be an extra letter. Like, if they asked for at least 3, your SO should write the 4th.

2. If your SO is a postdoc at this time, the letter is already not worth that much, so after discounting for SO conflict of interest it might not be worth it.

3. The answer from cag51 is correct that your SO must disclose that you are in a relationship.

4. Given the nature of your relationship, your SO should make a huge effort to write a balanced letter, including your weaknesses / where you have room for improvement. If I read a letter from an SO that seemed honest, I might weight it even higher than another because the SO knows the applicant better than other letter writers.

So, after taking all that into account, should you still use your SO as a reference? Probably not. But as someone involved in admissions into PhD programs, I understand that in lab relationships happen, and I would be interested to hear what an SO had to say.

edit: It seems I'm more open minded about these things than other people in academia. There is a risk that having your SO send a letter will offend someone on the admissions committee, or be taken as a sign of bad judgement on your part. So the safe thing to do is to avoid using an SO (or any immediate relative) as a letter writer.

Answer 3

Look at things from another perspective: Suppose, you use the letter with full disclosure of your relationship. Suppose, you get admitted to the program. Suppose, somebody who didn’t get admitted finds out that you got admitted based on a recommendation letter from your SO¹. Suppose that somebody causes a ruckus about this, be it legally, internally, or publicly.

Now put yourself in the position of the decision maker who is handling your application and is aware of the possibility of the above scenario. The decision maker knows that it might be easily their head that rolls if it comes to the above situation. Even if they have not read the recommendation letter, they cannot provide evidence that they didn’t². It’s far safer for the decision maker to just reject your application. Using a recommendation letter from an SO gives them an easy argument for this.

In case there is no disclosure, this might be an career ender for you and your SO due to not disclosing a blatant conflict of interest. I can even imagine that you may even face criminal charges (e.g., if there are rules that compels you to declare any conflicts of interest, etc.).

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^{¹ For example because your relationship ends badly, and your SO wants to take revenge.
² In exceptional circumstances such as pre-vetted applications, they may, but that’s nothing you can predict.}

Answer 4

I'm going to say yes, but, there is a conflict here. If no one else has worked with you this much, then perhaps it is not the worst choice. If this loved one writes a letter they must disclose their relationship to you, and stick to facts, such as how many papers you've written, grants you've gotten, your punctuality and relationship with peers etc. and how you would fit well into the position. They should avoid generally complimenting you as a person as this is too open to interpretation perhaps.

I know of two different couples who publish together constantly and write grants together etc. and are heavy hitting researchers, and write letters for each other all the time. These are ethical and good people and they seem to make it work. Clearly there are issues with doing this, but perhaps it is not an impossibility. I don't recommend it as a first option.

Answer 5

While it is clear this situation calls for some thought, it is of my understanding that your personal life should have little to do with your academic/professional life when it comes to making decisions such as these.

When your SO makes you a recommendation letter, they will be speaking as an objective and professional academic with reputation on the line who has had experience working with you and has published credible papers alongside your - also professional - name. Not as as someone whom they've simply shared ice cream and would like to go to the Caribbean with.

The reason the relationship must be brought up in their writing is to recognize your personal and professional lives as two different things. If someone still goes at length about how it is a nepotism affair like other answers hypothesized, they'd be slandering your SO's and even your own reputation because it should not be the case.

If a reviewer who "notices" that you are together declines the letter "immediately" as other answers have suggested, then they have acted unprofessionally because you being in a relationship with them does not take away your credibility as a professional academic or your experience in any way.

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tl;dr - Your SO is a reputable professional whose recommendation is as valid as any other. And like any other, it all really depends on how much real impact your SO's recommendation would have over someone else's.

If you don't have any meaningful recommendations in comparison, go with your SO's, and have no fear.