Points to consider when deciding whether to get married during a PhD

Question

Marriage is a recurrent topic in the lives of most PhDs. The meagre pay and the burden of responsibility could make marriage in the middle of PhD look like a terrible idea. But on the positive side, marriage gives one an intimate companion in a long and bleak journey. The pay hurdle could also be overcome if the partner finds a job.

While eventually it is a personal decision for the couple based on their commitment and readiness, what are the points to remember when one thinks of getting married in the middle of a PhD?

Answer 1

If you've found the right person to marry in graduate school, what's the alternative? Getting married as a postdoc or tenure-track faculty member is also difficult, since you still have a lot of career pressure and uncertainty. It won't go over well to say "I love you, but let's wait until I have tenure to get married," since that's way too far in the future, and I don't see any real advantage to saying "let's wait until I'm a postdoc."

Before marrying a non-academic, it's important to make sure they understand some of the basic parameters of academia:

1. The job market is incredibly competitive. Harvard probably won't hire you even if everyone agrees you're really smart, and getting a job at a less prestigious university is not a form of career failure. Indeed, just the opposite is true: any career progress in academia is a success that should be celebrated.

2. There is a national, and even international, job market with universities in many locations, but that doesn't mean you can choose where you want to live. Instead, it means you need to apply everywhere and take what you can get. Unless you are really lucky, having an academic career may require living somewhere you do not consider desirable, and you won't even be able to predict in advance where that might be.

3. Having a successful research career requires a lot of work, but it's a little different from many demanding jobs because the work is mostly self-imposed. You need to do it, but nobody is specifying what, when, or how. This can lead to resentment since everything you spend time on seems like a choice, rather than an externally imposed requirement. So you need a partner who is not inclined towards jealousy over time commitments.

If these issues are not an obstacle, then it's reasonable to get married whenever seems appropriate.

Answer 2

For the actual question (“ what are the points to remember when one thinks of getting married in the middle of a PhD?”):

• If you are a woman, and live in a country where you are expected to take the surname of your husband, make sure that doesn't interfere with other people's ability to keep track of your publications. (Some women I know, though they use their husband's name for daily life, use their maiden name for academic purposes. That or using both surnames.)

Honestly, that's about the only academia-specific or PhD-specific real advice I could think of. Everything else is just, well, the usual stuff:

• Planning a wedding can become really time consuming. Organize efficiently, or delegate, or simply choose to do something simple. (Elope?)
• The honeymoon may be tricky to arrange, especially if your spouse has high expectations (some people would expect the happy couple to take a 3-week vacation starting the day after the wedding, which might be hard to schedule).

And obvious reference:

    

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For the rest of the question, the only thing I have to say is: oh man, you've got to get your priorities straight!

Answer 3

Having gotten married more or less exactly in the middle of my PhD, I would say emphatically no, it is not a bad idea at all! (I expect you just meant 'during' by 'in the middle of' though. =] )

Regarding the 'meagre pay': at the time my PhD scholarship was about twice as much money as I had ever had in my life before, so I felt comparatively wealthy. We were not interested in having a lavish wedding anyway, but we did manage to afford a very nice wedding with 80 guests, paid for out of money saved from our PhD scholarships.
Of course PhD students might not be similarly well-paid in many countries (we were in the UK).

As for the 'burden of responsibility', I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, so I'll ask a question in a comment and wait until you reply.

Points to consider:

• You will potentially need to lower your expectations about what kind of wedding you can afford, but if the point is to achieve the state of being married, I don't think that's a big problem. You can always throw a big anniversary party at some point later when you have more money.

• Potential name change (as mentioned by F'x): If a name change is going to be involved, it can be very convenient to have this happen before one has any publications, which is a lot more likely to be the case during the PhD than afterwards. (I did change my surname, and had no publications yet at that point, so there is no problem with using my new surname for academic purposes.)

• Honeymoon: There's a lot more chance of getting enough time off for a proper honeymoon during a PhD than once you have a job, although this is going to depend completely on your supervisor, of course. [Added because of F'x thinking the honeymoon could be a problem: My supervisor allowed me a month after my wedding.]

• Companionship, as you mentioned: This is obviously especially relevant if you are from a culture/religion where living together before marriage is not usual. Definitely having 'an intimate companion' during the PhD journey (not that mine was that long or bleak - but my husband's was more so) can be a huge help, and I don't see any reason for a couple to wait until after a PhD to get married if they are ready now.

I may add more later if I think of anything else. There is more I would say if I wasn't trying not to stray too far into 'discussion' or 'off-topic'ness.

Answer 4

Love is nice and all, but you want to make sure your career decisions do not result in resentment for either you or your partner. There are two big issues with marriage/relationships that I think are unique to academics and especially relevant for PhD students since they are just starting down the academic road. It is critical that your partner (whether he/she is an academic or not) understands that as an academic we often chose to make substantially less money to take a high stress level, time-consuming job. Many people find that a difficult decision to understand and it can lead to stress/resentment. The second is that until tenure, academics often have a series of one or two year jobs with periods of unemployment in between and cross country/international moves. Rarely do we get to decide where we get to work.

Answer 5

Marriage is only a momentary distraction of what one might presume to be a state of cohabitation both before and after. There may be some ancillary health coverage and/or tax benefits as a result. Other factors would dominate the decision.

A baby or babies on the other hand would likely either significantly slow down the completion of the Ph.D., or put a big strain on the relationship. That perhaps would make for a more interesting question.

Cohabitation could and should be a benefit while pursuing a Ph.D. with lower living costs and reduced time spent on mundane things through the sharing of chores (cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc.). But you don't need to be married for that. Of course, the significant other would need to be tolerant of the time not spent with them.

Answer 6

First of all, I do think, this is a boat question. Aren't those concerns about career and pay valid for all early-career knowledge workers (i.e., people in non-manual occupations)?

But to answer your question, as somebody who married in the middle of PhD, I think I have evidence, a sample set of size 1, which allows me to conclude that doing so is a good thing.

Many young people nowadays ask questions (as you do) What are the reasons to marry/have kids/etc. in my situation? When is a good time to start a family? There is never the right time and there almost never is a good reason to change your life in whichever way. You should ask differently. What are the reasons not to marry/start a family now? Why not to start family right now? Things will never be better than right now. You think that being a post-doc you will have more time and less stress in the career? Or when you will be assistant professor? Or associate? Or full? Yeah, you can wait till the time when the waters calm down. Good luck starting family when you are 80 (if you will be lucky).

Answer 7

Better ask your to be wife/husband, if he/she agrees with your thoughts?

No matter how well we justify, if your partner does not agree to a thought! no one on the earth make him/her agree to the same(with some exceptions).

Take his/her consent in detail with all possible conditions after marriage with PhD.

If he/she approves than follow the same as receive approval(I believe it will have some conditions)

Neither PhD is easy nor marriage, both requires good amount of efforts for success.