Desperate and finding it nearly impossible to produce work for my PhD write-up, what should I do?

Question

I have been severely struggling with my PhD for years, and my posts in this SE have been testament to that. I do a part time music PhD and I am just about to enter the eighth and final year. I am currently in writing up.

From the very beginning I was confused about the PhD i.e. my supervisor would repeatedly suggest academics to reference that I thought were irrelevant. She does not know about my subject area, but suggests things close to it.

I have always dreaded tutorials, I get nervous before every one. I was told for years not to write but to research, research, research. I just wanted to write. After six years I was told it was time to write; I was ecstatic and bashed out my first draft chapter of 14k words and proudly presented it in a tutorial.

My supervisor tore it apart. I nearly cried. I felt completely demoralised and demotivated.

It has taken me nine months to draft a subsequent chapter. There have been many tutorials since where I have been close to tears. During the course of this PhD I have seen three [three!] separate therapists because of the stress and unhappiness this PhD has made me endure.

I now realise it is not because of the course per se, but the supervision. My supervisor is an expert in her field, and a well-respected authority, but like a fellow student of hers said to me, "she has very high academic intelligence and very low emotional intelligence." I completely concur. My supervisor is not the kind of person who I feel would react well if I told her I thought the issue was her, no matter how I phrased it.

I am supposed to submit another draft of this chapter this weekend, but my progress is so glacially slow that now the school are thinking of moving me to an MPhil which I don't want. It is not possible for me to 'grin and bear it' and 'just write' because I cannot create in that way. I need inspiration and to like who I am writing for [if not me] and with every paragraph I feel like I am writing the thesis for my supervisor, not for myself and I am so nervous about how she will criticise it. I am not experiencing boredom, but hatred.

My wife says, "this is not your thesis, write it for my supervisor, it's hers, just remove yourself from it". I am sorry, I cannot create like that. It is literally impossible for me to do so [well, maybe I could it if was a small paper, but not a whole doctoral thesis].

What are my options now? I could ask to change supervisor but the dept is so strapped I don't know if there's any other staff member who could do it. I could interrupt but I don't know the point since I've been unproductive anyway for a long time. Quitting would mean wasting years of time and money and throwing a potential career away.

I am at the end of my tether. I am so stressed, I am drinking too much and losing sleep. I have no idea what to do. My brain will not produce for this course [this issue is just tied to this course by the way, since I write creatively for other pursuits with no issue]. I would love to know what the best course of action could be in this scenario.

Answer 1

I am glad that you are talking to a therapist. We can give academic advice, but only people who know you can help you balance your academic goals against other priorities.

I would love to know what the best course of action could be in this scenario.

Finish. After eight years, it is too late to change advisors, or topics, or styles of working. It is time to write your thesis, finish, and move on to the next stage of your career, whatever that may be.

Now the school are thinking of moving me to an MPhil which I don't want

This is a serious red flag; the school is clearly thinking along the same lines that I am. It is time to finish. You are on borrowed time.

I was ecstatic and bashed out my first draft chapter of 14k words and proudly presented it

I would try to recapture this. Go low-contact with your advisor and try to finish a first draft of the entire thesis over the next few weeks. The goal is not to please your advisor, but to do something that meets your own standards. This should be fun.

After this, you will have to iterate with your advisor or other committee members. This will, granted, be far less fun, given what you say about your advisor's shortcomings. But if you have a full-length thesis and promptly address your advisor's comments, it will be hard for your advisor to avoid letting you graduate.

Answer 2

In addition to the previous points, I would like to challenge some of your framing:

It is not possible for me to 'grin and bear it' and 'just write' because I cannot create in that way. I need inspiration and to like who I am writing for [if not me] and with every paragraph I feel like I am writing the thesis for my supervisor, not for myself and I am so nervous about how she will criticise it.

My wife says, "this is not your thesis, write it for my supervisor, it's hers, just remove yourself from it". I am sorry, I cannot create like that. It is literally impossible for me to do so [well, maybe I could it if was a small paper, but not a whole doctoral thesis].

Your thesis is a technical piece of academic writing showcasing your expertise. This is not about making an inspired creative masterpiece for your supervisor, it is about producing a document that fits the standards set forth by your degree program.

Continue to work with your mental health professionals, and bring this up to them. You are setting yourself up for failure by construing an impossible task that's irrelevant to your degree completion.