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During the final year of my PhD, my relationship with my advisor experienced a significant non-trivial breakdown. However, for the years prior, we had a good relationship. The deterioration of this relationship wasn't due to anything extreme, and it wasn't a situation where all lines were crossed, but it was a serious clash of personalities up to the point that I did not ask a recommendation from him, and I told him I would make it on my own. I published my thesis work as single-author papers and secured funding to support my postdoc; I do not need letters or support from him, and he is aware of this. Now, I want to know if there is any way to repair this relationship. Partly, this is because we are still at the same institution, and it's awkward, but mostly because I genuinely want to mend things.

My question is mainly directed towards PIs who have had several students: do you think it is possible to fix this? Certainly, there will be some awkwardness to overcome, but would you find any incentive to do so? how should I approach him? I don't want to reach out only to be ignored or face a similar response, note that we are still at the same institution, which can make things even more awkward, at least for me.

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    We don't know either of you and so all we can do is guess. That might be harmful. I suggest you talk to someone you trust who knows both of you to get advice. But this is too personal for a good answer here.
    – Buffy
    Commented Sep 4 at 23:39
  • Do you have a permanent position or a temporary one?
    – cag51 ♦
    Commented Sep 5 at 0:01
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    You will have to tell us more about what specifically led to the breakdown, and how that played out. In essence, all you're saying is the equivalent of "I got a divorce; is there any possibility to mend the relationship with my ex?"
    – Wolfgang Bangerth
    Commented Sep 5 at 2:35
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    Now I wonder what a trivial breakdown could be.
    – Dirk
    Commented Sep 5 at 5:00

1 Answer 1

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I do not think that real mending is likely, but still it might be possible in rare cases.

However, it does not cost you anything to be civil, courteous and polite, and maybe a tad more supportive and obliging than a pure neutral person would be at relevant occasions (whether in departmental decisions or other matters; though this is not a suggestion to compromise on core values, of course). This can rebuild trust over a long period. Do not expect quick fixes, though.

However, if you suddenly would switch behaviour, this will be a red flag. Don't do that, or they will wonder what you are up to or see you as opportunistic.

Depending on the case, you could also be upfront when you go to them and put the matter explicitly as a case to mend fences. This may work with some people, is however less likely for deteriorations that took longer time to develop and it bears the risk of direct rejection.

My recommendation is therefore the first strategy.

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  • Is the main point of this answer that reaching out is not a good idea? The first strategy doesn't seem relevant, as I'm now in a different department and don't have a permanent position either.
    – The N
    Commented Sep 5 at 18:10
  • @TheN If you considered not reaching out at all an option, you might not have written this question. Since you obviously want to mend fences, I gave you an option how to approach this. My option #1 is not saying "do not reach out". My option #1 effectively says "prepare the ground for improving relations". I do not know why you want to do that, but clearly it's important to you, so I suggested two options. There are many ways you can demonstrate a softened attitude (and gave examples for this) and with reasonable people, that can be infectious. The second option is "aggressive" with more risk.
    – Captain Emacs
    Commented Sep 5 at 22:34

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