I am a 2nd year research masters student in a University in Europe. My nationality is not European or North American. I will try getting admission in PhD after completing this.
In childhood and adulthood, my father has been very abusive of me. In childhood and adulthood , I used to read books of famous scientists and mathematicians, philosophers and wanted to be like them.( Maybe reading them was an escape from my abusive and loveless family).
But due to abuse of my father, not so great grades as I didn't had advice of my father, I ended up getting low grades in last year of high school.I didn't became fully masculine and had poor self esteem due to my absent father. I ended up taking a very poor course in a poor college. Abuse of my father increased, I fell into depression. Although, I had support of my mother and due to her motivating me , I exceled in math and ended up getting a great masters program in Math in my country. In 4th semester of my msc there was a provision of doing master's project and my thesis advisor was from another institute and he stopped replying to my e-mails . I got stressed and did my thesis by myself and got a 9/10 grade. After completing my master's in june 2020 , I was planning to apply for a PhD in Europe and took a break to study more pure mathematics. But , due to my father being abusive and not understanding me, I got admitted in hospital ( mental) . I was already taking depression pills. I moved to another city and my mother began to live with me( she started working in a school far from our hometown). I began to apply for PhD applications in Europe. But after I filled 5 out of 7 forms and was filling application form for a masters program in France as a backup, I had to submit the LOR by myself.
I realized that my masters thesis advisor( dummy advisor of my institute. original never replied after giving a research paper) was writing LOR of some one else but name was mine and that book was studied by me in my bachelors degree. After that I have studied 2 books and in my thesis I studied 5 research papers. I don't know what to say of neglect of these professors.
As I see the people who win medals in the university , during their PhD's , Abel Prize , Fields Medal , Nobel Prize etc. I used to idolize them in my childhood. My sibling is also in depression and video game addict. I have began to realize that these people and geniuses who win those prize have most time support of some people in their life and if not , then they have steel like ambition and will and many times are mentally gifted.
I am not a genius. I have accepted that. I take pills of depression and will take them for life. I read books of therapy and psycology to understand myself and heal myself as good therapy was not available in my country. I don't seek therapy in the European country I live as whenever I tell to the therapists the things I have suffered, I am always in Tears., I cry so much in therapy. ( I have changed 3-4 therapists in my home country and none was of any help, my home country is very poor and with corrupt healthcare system). I am not gifted . I was able to leave my country to study abroad due to sheer hardwork of mine, sacrifices of mine and sacrifices of my mother. I will not able to win any even small prize which my idols won. I have realized that the depression and anxiety were just a symptom and cause was my abusive father.
I have read somewhere that fatherless children have problem with authority and live dangerously.
Can you please tell how should I not get jealous of my peers who have great credentials, worked with great people , been in great institutions, are smarter/ intelligent than me, who had great guidence, who had great foundation and great upbringing, respect my prof.s and the superstars in the field knowing that I will never be like them. (I have not disrespected any of them till now but I feel that I might do it and it will be disastrous to my career which has already been going bad.)
Kindly guide me.