Respected Academics, i hope you can help shed some light and hopefully provide some guidance.
To start off, i want to clarify that i love computers since a very early age. I used to game from a very young age and was quite fond of figuring stuff out on my own. Naturally, i was inclined to choose computers as a major for my studies. and i enjoyed learning a lot of the stuff, especially stuff i could relate to ( like how parallel processing was ultimately responsible for faster games on multicore cpus or how distributed systems make blockchains possible )
i just found most of the maths and some abstract courses to be really dry. Those courses often caused me to overthink and procrastinate in class alot. Needless to say, i felt a lot of anxiety within during class. However, some of the stuff does not seem too anxiety-inducing now that i have studied it and can explain it better to my non-computing peers. So i can't say what the anxiety was all about, but i felt it important to mention here.
To be honest, maths was not my favorite subjects in O'levels and it was not my strongest subject. However, i do like it when the equations and principles being taught in math eventually translated to real life applications or other engineering applications.
I just feel ashamed that i don't know a lot of the math or crypto. I also have trouble understanding the really difficult math equations or notations in research papers that focus on proofs, crytography or any kind of complicated maths. Sometimes, my attention span is my enemy as i cannot focus on reading papers and easily get distracted. It makes me wonder if i am even good enough for the Computer Engineering / Computer Science field.
I often feel like an impostor, masquerading as someone who knows things but in reality who has just surface level knowledge about topics and is not really an expert on anything.
I am a grad student (M.Sc.) currently, but i feel quite inadequate that i have not invented anything, have no patents and just a single publication to show for ( in which i am not the first author ).
I really like computers, i chose the field willingly. I even chose to go for a research career by my own choice (many people told me that there is much more money to make in industry) because i like discovering new things, i have a problem solving mindset, i often think of innovative stuff when i am alone & desperately need a solution to survive my studies and i feel that there is a certain level of madness ( craziness ?) in me that is aptly required for a researcher. It also feels so personally fulfilling when there is a problem that i solve after a long time of suffering, the high of it is incredible
I do feel closer to the application context of Computer Engineering / Science research ( like enabling the usage of disruptive tech for good social cause etc ) rather than the extreme mathematical aspect of it ( the lemmas and proofs we see in papers )
I just fear if my mathematical skills (or lack thereof) will be my doom or if they will eventually out me.
I eagerly look forward to your kind input
P.S : I forgot to mention, i really enjoy coding when there is good reason behind it ( e.g a project i like or something being at high stakes, like thesis or a semester project - but i often refer to language documentation and can't seem to memorize the syntax. I do enjoy self-learning programming languages and the logic behind them )