silent bullying during PhD - no one believes me [closed]

Question

I have found myself in a quite ugly situation: Since around 1,5 years, I am in a situation here during my PhD studies where I cannot set boundaries to damaging/ silent bullying behaviour of some PhD colleagues.

I started around 2 years ago, with 2 fellow colleagues. We spent quite some time together in the beginning, but soon I realized that there was something fishy: one of them was very manipulative- Once they wanted to abuse me financially, and put even pressure on me to pay for their stuff, I refused to and set boundaries. They blamed me for everything and stopped every collaboration, despite me trying to solve this issue with a mature conversation.
Since then, one is passive-aggressive towards me, the other one still tries to make me "help" her with her fieldwork (which means, I had to do almost everything, because she cannot do anything by herself).
Under the bottom-line, they show abusive behaviour. The other colleagues of our lab don't care, I even had to compromise my own PhD because I did not receive sufficient support and was used for my toxic colleague's work (which she never reciprocated).

I told this to my PI and my supervisors, but none of them took this issue seriously - they expected me to deal with this by myself, and did not allow me to set proper boundaries (as I was still forced to work for them). Recently, my toxic colleague's supervisor screamed and yelled at me, because I refused to leave her our shared working space (because I needed it as well). A similar issue happened to another colleague as well, she reported this behavior but our PI did not do anything.

I have the impression that my toxic colleague uses her "power", I saw her several times already making other people do the work for her, and if someone refuses to do so, she makes someone yell at this person, or talks really bad behind this persons back that the whole group dynamic is disturbed.

I don't think the situation becomes better, and I honestly feel quite depressed since a few months, so I wondered if there is a possibility of working remotely, without losing my scholarship (which is a regional one)? Any better suggestion?

Answer 1

At the very least I think you should

1. Before doing anything for this person, send and email cc'ing your advisor and the PI saying what is being done and who owns the output. Always make sure it's clear who is doing what.

2. Who "owns" the shared workspace. If another yelling match erupts talk to/email them. Frame it as "I cannot finish X on time due to being unable to use the lab." Don't be afraid to get your advisor to go to bat for you here.

3. If someone screams, calmly ask them what the issue is. If they continue to scream, you can set a boundary you will only have a conversation if they can do so without screaming.

4. See if your advisor has any advice to deal with interpersonal issues like this. They may be able to help you.

Finally, look at mental health services provided by your university. They will provide a safe place to vent if nothing else.

This is not a complete answer, but probably as much as can be said without specifics.

EDIT - going over their heads/to HR. You aren't ready - yet.

You have a few other options. Go over their heads to the Dean of the department or HR. Going to the Dean will likely involve HR. Ombuds are usually paid by the Dean or HR.

The reason I didn't mention this is in most cases HR will side with whoever the most senior person is, or who has a more senior person on their side. From the post, it sounds like that could be the bully.

There is also a decent chance HR will share any grievances with your bully. The bully makes up performance issues on the spot, and HR will tell her what she isn't allowed to say and do - essentially telling her how to legally bully you.

You aren't ready to go to an ombud/HR yet (in many cases this is the same department).

Bullies are manipulative. Administrators may side with the bully. After the first few times in the principals office (in the U.S.), the smart ones learn where the lines are and how to manipulate higher-ups. If you're in the PhD program you are dealing with a smart bully.

Start playing smart yourself. Document everything. Use email to show who did what. If it comes down to it, the person with more documentation usually wins. If you do go to an ombud or HR, this'll put you in the best position possible.

NOTE from comments: An ombud is a neutral mediator you can use to resolve issues. Going to one now will probably just alert the bully she's gotten to you, which could make her escalate her actions.

Answer 2

I think that you need to talk to someone who takes you seriously about this. Normally the first option should be your PhD supervisor, as you did. If you feel comfortable with it, don't hesitate to insist with them, make it clear that this is a serious obstacle to your progress. Depending on your relationship with them, you can also ask them to point you to whom you should talk to about this (btw this might make them realize that there's a real issue to take care of).

If this doesn't work, you need to go to another level. Your institution certainly have some procedures in place: there might be an ombudsman or other person in charge of harassment issues. Another option would be to talk to some student union or student representative, at least they should be able to give you advice.

In parallel, it would certainly be a good idea to seek professional help personally in order to preserve your mental health. Sometimes universities offer some free counseling service, it might be worth checking.

Answer 3

You need to document and record (audio and/or video) these issues because you may need to escalate beyond your PI. You may even need to go to a lawyer if things get worse. Note that depending on where you are making recordings (audio or video) without the consent of other parties may be illegal. But you need to document things - keep a detailed diary of these issues at the minimum.

Once they wanted to abuse me financially, and put even pressure on me to pay for their stuff, I refused to and set boundaries.

Hard to know what this means, but if they are trying to extort money from you that's a whole other problem, quite possibly criminal. If it's something like wanting you to pay for their equipment from your official budget or something then they can ask and you can say no.

There's no way of any of us knowing the details well enough to advise you properly. We have no idea what proceedures are available to you or what the cultural or legal norms are as you did not give a country. As such any advice would be just general, but as a minimum to escalate this beyond your PI (which may or may not be a practical option) you need evidence and evidence means keeping records, keeping a note of witnesses to events.

There is another option to consider - moving on. Either you try switching to a different PI or even a different institute to complete your PhD or you take the "nuclear" option of just giving up on a PhD. While these may sound drastic, especially the last one, if your mental health is being seriously affected by this (and a PhD is already stressful at best) you need to seriously consider if continuing is really worth the damage being done. You shoudl certainly consult a consellor or physcologist or a GP about depression if that's a serious issue for you - it can overwhelm people and should not be ignored. These things can also distort your own viewpoint as well so it's worth considering your own mental health options here.