Big life decision: move to a different country to pursue PhD, or stay with my significant other and do my PhD at my undergrad institution? [closed]

Question

I have been agonizing over a decision regarding where I should pursue my PhD in theoretical chemistry. My choices are as follows: university A (US) has the best department in the world for my area of research, and my potential PI would be the perfect fit for my interests and career goals. University B (my undergraduate alma mater in the UK) also has a very good department (ranked 5th in the world), although the advisor fit would be less than ideal, since their group is mostly experimental, with only a few people working in theory. The group at university B is very large (~70 people), so the advisor is able to spend very little time with each PhD student. Both potential PIs are very renowned in their respective fields (h indexes above 60).

Here comes the kicker: I am in a very committed 4-year relationship with my significant other, who is going to start a PhD at university B. He is supportive of me pursuing a PhD with my dream advisor at university A, which would involve starting a 5-year (very) long distance relationship. However, I can't help but feel selfish for putting us both through this ordeal.

What would you do in this situation? Since both of us want to stay in academia long-term, I know that at some point in our relationship we will likely have to face similar choices again, so how does an academic couple balance the two-body problem for every new position they apply for?

Answer 1

If you are academically outstanding you will shine pretty much wherever you go. The harder task is to find someone special who will make you shine as a person, and this you cannot do everywhere you go.

Answer 2

Please consider that the difference between the 5th and the 1st best department in the world is negligible, most likely it exists only in your mind. To be more specific, for what it matters to a PhD student, as long as fundings are granted, they are equivalent with respect to:

• opportunity of building your own network;
• quality of the work you are exposed to and potentially that you can perform.

The difference between the 1st and the 5th would be very relevant at a later stage, when you want to have money to build up that additional research group your tenure depends on ...

Ask yourself: do you want to spend 5 years away from what you have now because of present curiosity/eagerness of discover new things (reg. private life, not in the sense of academic research) or because of some future potential advantages? If it is because of possible future advantages: they will be negligible, since you are already in a good institution, your future, post-PhD chances will strongly depend on what you do during your PhD, not on where you do your PhD.

Answer 3

If your partner is the only reason that you would consider studying in the UK, then I would only recommend it if you are ready to spend the rest of your life with this person, and they feel the same about you. If you aren't sure about that after 4 years, then the relationship isn't one to make big life decisions around.

Making sacrifices of this nature for your spouse/life partner is part of a long term partnership. Sometimes it's you sacrificing, sometimes it's them, and it pretty much works out in the long run provided the relationship is built on a sense of equity and common life goals.

This kind of sacrifice, however, is not for "let's see where this goes" relationships. If that's where you're at, go to your top choice.

Answer 4

I, who have done my undergraduate, masters, and doctorate in three different countries, think making a choice based only on university and research group is a poor choice. We should think about our social life and the quality of our time spent. Don't think of it as another degree, but rather a 5-year period of your adult life that you should obviously spend with your S/O (supposing a serious relationship), especially on upcoming problems, i.e., anxiety and depression. In short, choice A seems adventurous, and choice B is close to common sense. The purpose of a Ph.D. should not be just research and publications, but a great research experience and quality time spent. Otherwise, life becomes painful.

Answer 5

I always thought of it like this: we all publish to the same journals, so ultimately location is immaterial. However, a good mentor is invaluable. Leaving your home university and country for that matter can be just as expansive an experience for your mind as the phd itself. Take the best opportunity while you have the advantage of youth...often it will seem scary but likely this is also potential for most fruitful experience.

Answer 6

I registered so that I could disagree with most answers here, because I really think there's a perspective that's lacking. Let me preface this by saying that I am 4th-year postdoc who moved away from her home country (Germany) and committed partner in 2013 to pursue a Master's degree (followed by a PhD) in the UK. I am still together with that same person and we've been happily married since 2017, even though we have not lived in the same country since 2013 (apart from 10 months during the Covid pandemic). My current postdoc is in the US and I was previously a visiting PhD student in Canada, so I am well-versed in transatlantic long-distance relationships.

Do I sometimes miss my partner and wish we got to spend more time together? Yes, sure. Do I regret any of my time abroad? Absolutely not. In fact, I love being able to switch between my life in a new country (the US is the 5th country I have lived in since first moving abroad) and returning to our apartment in Germany, where my partner still lives in the city where we both started studying. I love showing off my new home to him when he visits, and I love returning to the old one.

Now, I am aware that this is not for everyone, but I really want to put out this perspective. It is by no means impossible -- and not even all that improbable. My social circle is full of people who were apart during their PhD or a postdoc and are still happily together.

About the academic choice: People above have correctly written that whether your department is 1st or 5th in the world is completely immaterial, what counts is your advisor and the working environment. (Let me say this as someone who had a very famous on-paper advisor who was not a good fit subject-wise and who she never ended up working with.) What you have written in your OP sounds like the advisor at A is the much better fit, so that is what anyone making the academic argument should focus on in my view. Yes, it is important that you also have a good social live during your PhD, but you can have that if you move abroad. Making friends during a PhD is very easy. Do not do a PhD with someone whose research topic does not fit your interests and who won't supervise you properly (which is what option B sounds like from what you've written). That way misery lies.

Quite apart from the long-distance issue, I think that moving university for your PhD is generally a good thing to get a broader perspective of your field. Sure, you don't have to, but I have found experiencing different academic environments very enriching.

Edit: Let me add that if you give up what you describe as your "dream advisor" for your current partner, there's a danger that whenever something doesn't go well during your PhD at choice B (and things will go badly at times), you end up resenting your partner for it. That's toxic to any relationship and can just as easily doom it as being long-distance might.

Answer 7

Other answers focused on the academic aspects; I'd add, I don't know anyone who managed to pull off a long-term long-distance relationship, and I know a fair few people who failed at it (often in similar circumstances). Richard Feynman is one counter-example, it seems.

So, in your decision process, I think it would be prudent and fair to both yourself and your S/O to accept, at the very least, that there is a very real and significant chance your relationship wouldn't make it if you are pursuing your career far away. Depending on the personalities of the people involved, asking someone to be in a long-distance relationship is also a big ask, which can either, well, topple the relationship, or create a long-term emotional debt, which, again, you'd need to feel comfortable handling.

Good luck with your decision!

Answer 8

From experience, USA Ph.D. doesn't help you to publish as many papers as you possibly publish in the UK. However, you would have no problem with funding and go to conferences. You would work alone and get a self-esteem boost. When I decided to move to the USA, I had a gf for 7 months. We broke up a week after I moved and she said exactly these words "I cannot do this. I went to a grocery store alone today and had a hard time deciding what to pick. I want my bf around me, I want to do things together even the small ones." so we broke up. Did I try to work out? Yes! Am I still single? Yes! Did I have fun and got good education? also yes! Am I regretting even the 5th decimal place? Hell no! Moving to the USA was the best decision I made. It is hard, it is tiring and it has ups and downs. However, people can make sacrifices and tried to work out. It wasn't for us. I hope the best for you. PS I wasn't moving from the UK so that might make a difference as well.

Answer 9

Stay in the UK if you value your relationship at all

While career-wise, the US is better (not from the #1 vs #5 discrepancy, but because finishing a US PHD will make it way easier to get a US work visa upon finishing and the opportunity pool will be much bigger upon completion), a 5-year, long distance relationship has miniscule chances of lasting the duration.

Consider how many marriages don't survive even a couple years of incarceration and a busy cross-Atlantic PHD schedule leaves less opportunity for personal contact and "conjugal visits" than a non-maximum security prison sentence. Or how many military marriages break up due to multi-month deployments. And those are actual legal contracts that are expensive and tedious to break, made by people who've often been together much longer than 4 years.

Answer 10

God, this is upsetting. Some of these answers are terribly naive about process. How many people answering actually are professors or run a lab?

If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive distance. If you want to stay in academia, that is much harder these days especially for theoretical chemistry. I am a professor, because I made a good Ph.D. match that led me to the right projects and the right postdoc and most importantly the right environment to get ideas.

You already know the answer here. Losing the relationship (if it is indeed great, which it sounds like you have support) is less likely than being miserable, uninspired and drowning in a sea of indifference in your PhD.

Furthermore, why do you have to chose? Why not the S/O? Go to America. Get set up for academic life. You can always move to switch to a PhD in the UK. Furthermore, if the relationship is meant to be, no amount of distance will conquer it. Best of luck.

PS. Two-body problems are solved during the later stages of a career/job searches by being so well wanted you basically get your S/O a job. You can't do that if you haven't set yourself up properly.