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I am from a marginalized community in my country whose religion X is persecuted in my home country (which is in Asia). Now, I am in my first year of PhD study in math in a top university in Germany

But this incident happened on Friday: A professor from my country, Mr. Z (of religion Y, which persecutes my religion so that my religion is now 0.3% of population, religion Y is 90%) came for a conference in Germany at my university last week.

At dinner, with about 20 professors and 20 PhDs and postdocs were present (majority white), a professor from France asked why my religion diminished in my home country. I said due to persecution by religion Y. To this Z said immediately, it is due to persecution by another religion, which is absolutely false.

I have anger issues (and I take pills for depression) and I immediately said: Keep lying in front of these white monkeys and stood up from the chair and left the dinner.

I have not met anyone from the university until now. I don't have any hatred for white people. I don't know what happened to me when I said that. Persecution of my religion has been so bad (and it is ongoing) and has complete support and encouragement from academia, media, and all walks of government and private establishment. The religious system in my country is fascistic. I don't even expect white people to understand this thing as this is far away from their land and why they should be bothered in first place. It was a terrible mistake and said in a fit of anger.

How much fallout will I have on my career due to this? And what can I do to amend this terrible mistake?

I actually want to become a professor in Europe and don't want to go back to my country due to violence and love math so much that I don't want to leave doing research in it.

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    Hi user. I haven't downvoted your question but I did edit it a little to use more standard English (that may have attracted some downvotes), but we also can't predict what effect it will have. A more appropriate question for this site would be what to do about it, rather than asking us to predict the future
    – Azor Ahai -him-
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 21:01
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    Also, white people are absolutely capable of understanding religious persecution and things happening far away (that line may have upset some people and attracted DVs).
    – Azor Ahai -him-
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 21:25
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    People in Germany, in particular, spend a lot of time during their primary and secondary education learning about the danger that comes from persecuting a minority religion. That may not be quite the same thing as "understanding" it the way the persecuted do, of course.
    – Bryan Krause ♦
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 21:35
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    Have you considered apologizing (either in person or via emails) to those who may have been "uncomfortable" with your statement at that dinner ? You could explain that you were overwhelmed with emotion at the moment and had no intention to insult anyone...
    – Job_September_2020
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 22:06
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    It's impossible to be sure of course, but it's not unlikely that some of the people at that dinner are now worried much more about your mental well-being than about any perceived insults.
    – Jochen Glueck
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 23:55

3 Answers 3

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This is a matter of poor anger management and that is how it will be seen.

I wouldn't worry about coming off as "racist" against white people. White people aren't a marginalized group and it is unlikely that you will be seen as a racist after saying something like that to a group of white people.

The reaction was probably more one of shock that you escalated so quickly rather than one of offense. The best thing to do is to apologize to the people who heard you say this directly, mostly the people in your immediate vicinity. Try not to overexplain, but with your apology maybe add something like "religion is a tense topic for people from my country". Don't place blame, take responsibility for your behavior, then move on.

There is a reason people tend to avoid conversations about politics and religion in polite society. I'd stick to that convention in the future and learn to deflect questions on inflammatory topics when you are in professional settings.

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    Yes, "punching up" (meaning to make rough comments to people in a privileged class) is not taken very seriously, whether or not it's sensible to try it in the first place. It's much different to "punch down" from a place of privilege, against people without those privileges. Still, yes, best to avoid allowing yourself to be provoked, even though you are reasonable to react. A calmer rebuttal will be listened-to more carefully by by-standers.
    – paul garrett
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 20:19
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    Nevertheless, randomly insulting your dinner mates' ethnicity when they aren't involved in the conflicts is a little bit different than "punching up." There was obviously some ethnic/religious tension between OP and Z, but OP didn't insult Z, they insulted everyone else. To me, this is a little bit different than making a white people joke in a causal setting.
    – Azor Ahai -him-
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 20:59
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    @AzorAhai-him- well, sure, it's not a joke at all, so it's "kinda serious punching", but, even then, the privileged people are fairly immune to this, and will not see as much need to react as they might if they felt truly "injured", I think.
    – paul garrett
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 22:04
  • @paulgarrett I mean, I generally agree with your point, but I see a difference between "punching"/joking at a dinner and just straight-up angrily insulting people. I agree that it is different than if a professor said "black monkeys," but the OP's statement is pretty offensive even coming from a place of less privilege. Although I assume it was translated from German and maybe it doesn't have the same weight in German. My point though is that I don't think OP should assume their comment was "not taken very seriously." Their dinnermates deserve an apology, IMO.
    – Azor Ahai -him-
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 22:13
  • @AzorAhai-him-, ah, well, yes, their dinnermates deserve an apology in any case, for the rudeness. Oh-so-true.
    – paul garrett
    Commented Feb 28, 2022 at 22:15
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The only part that is really a problem is the "white monkey" part. I know what that means. If it was me I would want an apology and would be entirely satisfied with "sorry, will try to do better in the future."

The angry outburst is only a tactical issue. If you had remained calm and had the facts at the ready you might have been able to inform a bunch of people. Instead of maybe convincing some of the bystanders that there is a real problem they ought to have some concern for, you made people uncomfortable. And ended the discussion. You missed a "teaching moment."

It is massively unlikely you will convince Z that anything is not how he said. When somebody's income (prestige, position in society) depends on him not understanding a thing, it is very difficult to get him to understand it. But the people watching might well have been made to understand how things really are.

I have issues with being angry also. One thing that helps is this place right here. I find questions that are emotional and write answers. Only rarely posting them, by the way. I write 20 or 30 for each one I post. But it forces me to go get the facts, work out careful arguments, and keep my emotions in control.

So maybe you can notice the issues, questions, and situations that upset you. Work out, privately in advance, how you will approach such situations. Make plans for various ways the conversation could go. Have the exact facts ready, with the citations, names, and dates. Read online some of the discussions of related issues and see how other people have handled them. And "read the room." Meaning look around and see how your audience is taking it. If they are taking it badly then have a "not today" plan ready.

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Okay, there are a few things to unpack here. Firstly, with regard to the disagreement on religious persecution, there is nothing inherently wrong with the fact that you and Prof Z express contradictory views on the cause of the decline of your religion. University is a place where people are used to hearing disagreements and opposing views, so the mere fact that Prof Z puts forward views that contradict your own does not mean that others will necessarily agree with him. If you can learn to remain calm and put your own case forward in a clear and appropriate manner, you might find that people will be influenced by your own views. Many academic topics elicit strong feelings, which is prescisely why it is valuable to learn to discuss and debate sensitive topics in a calm and analytical manner.

With regard to your reaction, yeah, that is not great. For one thing you have accused this Professor of lying, and that is presumptuous --- unless there is evidence of bad faith, it is best to assume that people have a bona fide belief in the views they express. Secondly, the "white monkeys" remark is also not great, and universities are pretty sensitive to anything that smacks of racial insults. For what it's worth, I'm a white person and I believe you when you say that you have no adverse feelings towards white people --- we understand that people sometimes fly off the handle and say things they shouldn't when they're angry (and your anger seems to have been misdirected in that instance anyway).

How much fallout will I have on my career due to this?

This could potentially have some bad fallout, mostly depending on whether or not anyone at the dinner takes issue with it. A remark like that could lead to a formal complaint to the university relating to racial discrimination or bullying. Even without a formal complaint, it is likely to reflect badly on you to the people at the dinner. The fallout will depend a great deal on whether anyone chooses to complain about your behaviour.

And what can I do to amend this terrible mistake?

We make amends by apologising for bad behaviour, so that is what I'd recommend in this situation. I'd recommend writing to this Professor, and also to the organisers/attendees of the dinner, and let them know that you're sorry for your behaviour. Let them know that you hold no ill-feelings towards white people, and also make sure you apologise for accusing Prof Z of lying. As you say, it was a mistake made in a fit of anger.

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