Guilt about quitting PhD as first student of the lab

Question

I am a first year PhD student in a lab in Europe. I joined the lab 6 months ago and soon afterwards realized that the topic and institute are not what I had imagined it would be.

It took me quite some time of thinking to come to the difficult point to realize that I have to quit my PhD to find another topic where I can do fulfilling work within my interests.

I also started to apply for other PhD positions and I got an offer, which would suddenly start very soon, in 2.5 months.

My problem is that I feel very guilty about leaving my current PhD position, because I am the first PhD student of my supervisor. He is currently still in the process of setting up his lab, the money is tight and time limited and we are few people (2 other PhD students). I feel that if I leave as the first student to join the lab, it would have a big and negative impact on the lab and the career / reputation of my supervisor - But does it?

I feel very guilty about my situation and I don't know what to do anymore. But I have to decide whether I move on with the new position which I would prefer as a topic. If so, I need to speak with my supervisor about quitting my PhD, but I currently lack the courage.

How would you judge this situation?

Answer 1

While it might have a negative impact on your supervisor, it also might not have a negative impact if you handle it properly! And it will definitively have a negative impact on your career if you do not make this switch.

Handling it properly in this sense means soon and professionally. Schedule a meeting to talk to him about your expectations not being met and how this other opportunity is the thing you actually want to do. Offer to help in your remaining time there, document anything you can. That is the best way to limit negative impact in general.

Answer 2

Well, you are all capable adults, aren't you? Feeling guilty is normal under your circumstances, and you might offer your supervisor some extra help to smoothen things out, but at the end of the day, you have already made your decision and are not staying, and it is in their capacity to handle the lab.

The sooner you two start working something out, the better. You do them a disservice by having them make plans you already know won't work out. The best you can do is to have this tough talk early and try to maintain a good relationship. Best of luck!

Answer 3

Consider the alternative:

Six months into my six year program, I realized I made a bad decision. I doubled down and finished.

That was the worst mistake of my life and I am still trying to dig myself out of the personal, financial and professional hole that I dug for six years (I finished 5 years ago).

You don't owe your supervisor anything.

By the end of my program, I tried claiming federal disability to obtain reasonable accommodation to address the depression, anxiety and stress disorders that I developed.

I currently work a job nearly identical to a member of my cohort that dropped from the program about the same time I made the decision to stay.

The only thing I 'earned' by staying are negatives. Not one positive resulted from my decision to stay.

You are fine. Sleep easy.

*Edit: Just to give you an idea of 'What-could-have-been'. Toward the end of my program, I read a news article about a student murdering his supervisor and committing suicide on campus. My immediate reaction was 'The student really comes across as the villain in this article'. Thats a true story... and it wont be your story because you had the GUTS to make the right decision.

Answer 4

Some of the longest days of my work life were those before I actually left somewhere I had already mentally checked out of. And the least productive. And the grouchiest.

Do everybody in that lab a favor: leave, and soon. Rip the band-aid off. Like long goodbyes, long transitions are highly overrated.

Truth: you aren't anywhere near so unique that you can't be replaced. You will be. Despite any BS guilt trip you supervisor may try to lay on you to save themselves some trouble, it's just a boring 'ol management issue. Replacing you will just be yet another management to-do for your supervisor. That's exactly what they signed up for by opening their own lab: personnel management, funding management, supplier management..., you get the picture, i.e. doing business.

Besides, it sounds like you were sold a bill of goods, at least to some extent. At very worst you may or may not make an enemy (probably not), but everybody eventually ends up with a few of those. To make omelette, you have to break eggs.

You've learned something. Just be sure to ask the hard questions before taking the next position. Even if embarrassing to ask, assume nothing. This is important: keep repeating or reformulating questions until you get full, straight, non-evasive answers. Otherwise, you'll know it's another bill of goods. Talk to people, future peers. Ask around. Fool me once...

Be that as it may, guilt or no guilt, it's your life and you only get one of 'em. You're at a stage of your life when big decisions have irrevocable, life-long repercussions.

Answer 5

One of the most important/common challanges of management is to deal with staff turnover. It is a standard part of running any enterprise, and something that managers have to learn to deal with. If you feel that your present placement is not good for your career, and you would prefer this other offer, it is reasonable for you to act on that. This will be inconvenient to your supervisor, and may exaccerbate the difficulties with setting up and running the lab, but that is part of the responsibilities of management. (It is unlikely to harm his reputation; you don't lose reputation merely because your students decide they'd prefer to study a different topic to your specialty area.) In the long run this is something that is a good skill for a new supervisor to learn.

Contrary to another answer here, I don't think it is reasonable to say that you don't owe your supervisor anything --- you owe him gratitude and thanks for taking you on as a student and for his assistance in your program. But you don't owe him your life. If you decide to take a position elsewhere, just be honest with your supervisor and try to give him a reasonable period of notice/work before you leave. It is best to accept this offer immediately and put in your notice for your present position as soon as possible, so that you give your supervisor as much notice of your departure as you can. Before you leave you can do other helpful things like teaching your work responsibilities to your replacement, and making sure you leave on a good note. Two-and-a-half months is plenty of time for you to finish up your immediate duties and brief someone else on your work responsibilities in the lab.

Answer 6

Setting expectations is very important in any relationship, whether it be in a personal, romantic, or work relationship. Changing those expectations is tough and needs to be done in a transparent way to everyone involved. This time, your current situation didn't live up to your expectations. That's perfectly fine. Now you need to let your supervisor know that and what new set of expectations exist.

Just sit down with your supervisor and have an open and honest discussion with them. State any mistakes you think you made in your assumptions prior to joining and that you are leaving. Give them any constructive criticism you can to help them in the future, let them know any positives you had while there, and maybe even offer to help them find a replacement for you. Basically put yourself in their role and do what you would want someone else in your role to do for you. Well, do them if you can actually and reasonably do those things.

FYI, in most situations 2.5 months isn't "very soon". In the non-academic world, that's a long time. Most people don't give more than 2 weeks notice and, in some industries like retail and food service, giving zero to 2 days notice is common.

It's unfortunate that this situation is happening, but it'll probably happen several times over your career. It's unfortunately normal and the sooner you understand and accept this, as well as how to deal with it without unnecessary guilt, then the better off you will be. There's very many different variables when joining a new job or any situation to know 100% that it'll be perfect for you. Employers know and understand this. It's why so many jobs have a probationary period (often 3-6 months), so they know you are a good fit for them.

It's actually a good thing that you've recognized the problems this early. You aren't wasting your time, energy, or mental health any longer than necessary. Being in a bad situation, or "just" an uncomfortable one, can seriously damage your self-worth, your confidence, in working other places or even wanting to work other places. I've seen people in bad work environments that are afraid to change jobs for fear the same problems will exist or be worse. They got to the point where they think that kind of problem is normal, even when everyone else tells them it isn't. They think "better the devil you know than the devil you don't know", giving up and believing every employer is "the devil".

You haven't said your situation is this bad, so that was just me making a point.

Yes, it's hard to come to the realization that a choice you made was wrong and/or that other people aren't living up to their promises, but don't dwell on it. Use it as a learning experience, deal with the emotions that come up with, and move on to the next opportunity. Unless your supervisor is unreasonable, they may take you leaving better than you think they will. A reasonable person would understand that, as a first time supervisor, they aren't as polished as other supervisors and need to learn how to do better. They should also understand the existing time and financial constraints the lab is under and realize that it's not great conditions to work under.

You have to make the decisions that work best for you, not everyone else. It's not always easy, but it gets easier the more often you do it. Don't worry about your supervisor. You leaving will likely have very little impact on their reputation and future.