Help with becoming overly obsessive (about mathematics)

Question

TLDR: I love mathematics but can't find a way to study/do research without becoming unhealthily obsessive. Any tips on how not to think about mathematics all the time, on how to manage intrusive thoughts?

Background: Three years ago I graduated with an MSc in Mathematics, and published 3-4 papers following my master thesis. I enjoyed it and could have moved on to a PhD, but felt as though I could no longer control my thinking obsessively about maths, so I decided to take a break.

My last year at university was filled with intrusive thoughts about problems I was working on, regardless of my desire to do so. I generally seek to have a balanced lifestyle (friends family sports arts etc) and this is more important to me than excelling only at one thing (maths), but my brain would not let go. It became difficult not to think of problems in my free time, especially when trying to fall asleep (insomnia & waking up in the middle of the night to write solutions to problems). I still managed to keep a relatively balanced lifestyle, but my life was sporadically permeated by obsessive thoughts about mathematical problems.

Post-math: At that point, I decided to stop maths for a bit. I worked for a year and then got a semi-random opportunity to go to a professional dance school for a couple years, which I recently finished. I'm still obsessive, but I've become somewhat less agitated in the brain and developed deeper connections to other people and to my own body/emotions. I'm 26 now. I could become a full-time dancer and might do that for a couple years, but it's not much of a long-term project. I'm still highly drawn to mathematics and could probably get back into it, whether PhD or industry... But I'm afraid of my brain.

The question: Can I become a professional mathematician without becoming overly obsessive/compulsive/unable-to-control-my-thoughts? Do you have any tips on how to manage an obsessive/always-thinking mind? Would doing research in industry make for a better work-life separation than academia?

EDIT: Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies and good intentions. Their many flavours helped me get a sense of the many ways I could deal with my problem, and how there was hope in turning it from a curse to a blessing. I got in touch with a public mental health institution and hope to see a therapist in the coming months.

Answer 1

Im going to go a slightly different route from the other answers.

In the one post, you describe your mind like this (in this area at least):

unhealthily obsessive

intrusive thoughts

somewhat obsessive by nature

filled with thinking about problems regardless of my desire to do so

I generally seek to have a balanced lifestyle ... but my brain would not let go of me

insomnia & waking up in the middle of the night my life was sporadically permeated by obsessive thoughts

I'm still obsessive

I'm afraid of my brain

 Can I become a professional mathematician without becoming overly obsessive/compulsive/unable-to-control-my-thoughts

My concern is that you're describing symptoms of a possible neurological/mental health condition. You emphasise over and over that you feel you lack control, and that this happens despite you, that its a case of you vs. your brain.(*)

If so, it may follow you in other areas, anyway. It may also unfairly impact your genuine enjoyment of mathematics by turning it from love of life to uncontrolled compulsive focus, overturning your need for a "balanced life" which you say you would like to prioritise (but cannot).

Without being a clinician or saying whether these are applicable, both OCD and ADHD can be described in the terms you use (lengthy personal experience confirms). OCD is the one that from your own language, you may have wondered. The latter strongly suggests itself as something to consider, because its a condition totally affecting focus and control over the brain, in which the brain can lock onto specific items of interest and not let go, or be easily distracted into focusing on them instead of (say) sleeping or other things. It also has genetic links to the body clock genes and strong links for insomnia and nighttime-too-awake-brain.

I would suggest checking with a clinician, whether there is a clinical condition involved. That has a few benefits.

• You clearly wonder if you do, and fear it as it stands. Asking may give peace of mind, help, or reassurance.
• You are afraid to follow a subject you clearly love and have passion for
• If there is a clinical issue, it may (visibly or invisibly) impact other areas, or follow into other things you do. It may be having effects you dont connect to this. Avoidance may be tricky.

(*) In fairness you use the word "somewhat" at one point. I discount this because its a common "Im not sure how severely to express this, so lets be cautious", and is contradicted by the rest of your descriptions. People also routinely minimise the impact of issues, when first asking, for fear of overstating them.

Answer 2

I generally seek to have a balanced lifestyle (friends family sports arts etc) and this is more important to me than excelling only at one thing (maths), but my brain would not let go of me.

My view may be unwelcome, but I'll provide it anyway.

It may be possible that some angst you might be experiencing comes from trying to be something you are not, because you feel you should be.

What makes you generally seek to have a balanced lifestyle? Is it because you genuinely enjoy and derive the same pleasure and satisfaction from "friends family sports arts etc" as you do from mathematics?

Or could it be because you feel you should enjoy and derive pleasure and satisfaction from them, perhaps by internalizing social/societal views?

If you are trying to be a "well-rounded" person because that's how people should be, or that's the kind of person you imagine you would like to be, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that those are the wrong reasons.

Trying to be different than what we are usually results in all kinds of mental stresses and that manifests itself in various ways, including physical health.

If you enjoy or at least don't actually mind the feeling of being passionate about math at almost every waking moment, and it doesn't interfere with the basics (food, water, shelter...) then consider trusting your brain more and letting it take you where it thinks you need to go.

Especially in the case of mathematicians, much of their best work is done early in life. It's quite okay to be passionate or consumed by mathematics.

Please reexamine why you feel you need to resist your passions, because trying to be anything besides who you are can be dangerous and destructive to the spirit, and often the damage shows up later in life.

It became difficult not to think of problems in my free time, especially when trying to fall asleep (insomnia & waking up in the middle of the night to write solutions to problems).

So what? That's called passion! As long as you can manage to get enough sleep overall, how is this an actual problem, and not a blessing?

I still managed to keep a balanced lifestyle, but my life was sporadically permeated by obsessive thoughts about mathematical problems.

Again, so what?

Passion for something is a blessing that many/most people never really experience much of. If you've got it, consider welcoming, cherishing and nurturing it!

Answer 3

Since you are at the point where you describe your own desires being in conflict with your brain, and that you are afraid of your own brain (as if you are two distinct entities), you need to speak directly to a psychologist. Having said that, I think most mathematicians find themselves thinking about mathematics during their leisure hours and often when going to sleep (often to the chagrin of spouses). Indeed, many mathematicians have solved problems they were working on via subconscious thinking while asleep. There is nothing inherently unhealthy about that; mathematics is sufficiently interesting that it is a pleasant thought during leisure hours and going to sleep. So long as this is balanced with other interests and hobbies it is quite enjoyable.

Whether thoughts about mathematics get to the point of becoming "obsession" is a matter of degree, but since you self-describe as obsessive, I'll take your word for it. We are not really in a position to assist you in understanding whether or not you can be a professional mathematician, or whether you can do so without obsessive thoughts. (There is at least one well-known case of a successful mathematicians who was obsessive to the point of eschewing all other concerns in life, so obsession certainly does not preclude mathematical success.) I recommend making an appointment with a psychologist to get to the root of your feeling of lack-of-control over your own thoughts and brain. It is probably also good that you are pursuing other hobbies and interests that can serve as fodder for a more diversified range of thoughts.

Answer 4

I am quite sure that by the moment you will start a PhD, and maths will be your daylong "thing", you will be able to have a balanced lifestyle because now you are trying to do three things:

1. have a job
2. have a balanced life
3. not think about mathematics

and you fare quite well. If you merge point 1 and 3, you will end up with

1. have a job as mathematician
2. have a balanced life

so problem solved, go for a PhD.

If you had the same "obsession", but instead of maths about dance, would you find the idea of becoming a dancer and a dance teacher strange?

No? So, why should it be a problem becoming a mathematician? Go for it!

Yes? You really need a good psychologist!

Answer 5

Allow me to speak as someone with some firsthand experience of this (albeit in a different field)...

There's a fine distinction to be made — and one that only you can make, truth be told — between the ecstatic and the neurotic. I mean, honestly... Anything we do well, with commitment, dedication, and conscious attention, can produce ecstatic states. For me and for you (apparently) the deep dive into an intellectual problem opens something clear and bright (divorced from rational assessment) within us. Call it an endorphin rush if you want to be agnostic about it, but there's a euphoria in working with a problem that most people neither feel nor understand. They get 'satisfaction' from figuring something out; you and I get 'bliss' from seeing it in all its dimensions. It's a beautiful thing one shouldn't deny.

On the other hand, academia does tend to breed neuroses. The drive to be better than others, to jump through senseless and convoluted hoops, to gain acclaim and reward, to do something 'significant' and 'meaningful'... All of these can warp us, and can toss a dose of bitter herbs into something we would otherwise find sweet. It's a problem that some people handle better and some people handle worse (and that I handle worse than most). We should all be aware of it. Academia is geared towards the pedantic, not the ecstatic, perhaps to its own sorrow.

So really, this is a judgement call. Say you find yourself lost in a problem, waking up in the middle of the night to jot down insights, forgetting to eat, neglecting friends and family, etc.: yeah, I've been there. Now ask yourself a simple question: Am I lost in the joy of this, or am I driving myself like a mule to squeeze out every last drop of my ability? The first is ecstatic, the second neurotic, and you definitely want to prefer the first. The other just leads to burnout.

Of course, one can be neurotic about balance just as easily as being neurotically extreme. If you push yourself away from something that gives you deep joy in order to be more 'social', 'friendly', 'normal', or however you want to cast it, you are doing yourself a disservice. If you do what you love, you will be a beloved figure. People might think you are eccentric, but it's impossible not to be drawn to someone who does what they love with their whole heart. Do what you love with your whole heart and you become iconic; there's no other way to put it.

Don't be afraid of your own mind's capacity for ecstasy; learn to embrace it, and to live it. Meditation would help if you're inclined that way; it clears away the thoughts that act as bitter pills, lets your mind run more freely, and helps you distinguish the ecstatic from the neurotic. Ignore the religiosity of it — I do — and look to the philosophy and the practice. You're 26, your (physical) brain has just reached its maturity with plenty of room for (mental/intellectual) growth. Don't label ecstasy (if that's what it is) as obsession; you'll merely teach yourself to fear it. There is no harm in pursuing what you love.

Answer 6

I think that you should just follow your passion. If you're trying not to be too addicted, then take constant breaks. Maybe even discuss with other people who pursue similar interests. Since you have such a deep love in math, why not continue excelling at it. When you feel like you need a break, or maybe create your own breaks and schedules, do it! Pursue your lives interests and at any point it feels like too much, find something else and maybe come back to it later. This is my advice, but I feel like maybe you should seek help with a therapist or someone else with the answer to your question. I hope this helped. :)

Answer 7

Disclaimer: This advice comes from a layman. I am not a professional within psychotherapy, and this answer provides only a discussion, based on the OP's challenges, about which family of psychotherapy (PT) that could be a good starting point, if deciding to seek professional help. Better advice as to what family of PT could be viable is best left to a real professional, whilst noting, however, that the PT industry can be very biased between different families of PT, and a professional practitioner of e.g. psychodynamic psychotherapy may not recommend cognitive behavior therapy, and vice versa.

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[…] But I'm afraid of my brain.

1. Can I become a professional mathematician without becoming overly obsessive/compulsive/unable-to-control-my-thoughts?

2. Do you have any tips on how to manage an obsessive/always-thinking mind?

3. Would doing research in industry make for a better work-life separation than academia?

Your fear of "unable-to-control-my-thoughts" (2) is not an uncommon false metacognition belief, and I would argue that attempting to change the contexts of your life (1, 3) as a way to face this metacognition would be letting a false belief inhibit your passions in and ultimately your overall quality of life.

If applicable (finance, culture, ...), therapy is one common path to use to learn how to control/face these traits of the hyperactive mind, so that they may be used as tools for your passion for math to leverage whilst not inhibiting other parts of your life. If applicable for you, you may want to look into whether there’s any local professional therapist working with metacognitive therapy (MCT). Whilst cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is typically used as a tool to address worries and ruminations related to thought patterns, MCT is particularly suited for challenging thought patterns about thought patterns (hence the meta; "my thoughts on maths control me; I cannot control my thoughts on math, they are obsessive").

Answer 8

You listed you have passion and achievements in mathematics, many people would wish that.

Now, you have some concerns on the psychological side, intrusive thoughts etc, right? Then go and talk to a person who is qualified (psychologist) in that to give you advice how to manage that. And don't substitute instead your interests for dance classes!

Answer 9

If you're enjoying mathematics, please do not stop unless you feel overwhelmed in which case you can take a break and then continue with it again. Being consumed by an subject is rare and only that will give you success. If thinking about mathematics is affecting you and making you feel worse and thereby making it harder for you to improve, then you should take a break. And then get consumed by it again. It's a good thing to be immersed in a field of study so please dont stop because of frivolous reasons.

However, if you don't enjoy it, consider a different path and pursue something else.

If you dont know how to take a break, I would suggest video games and drinking cool water.

Answer 10

Have you considered transcendental meditation or NLP, both of which should help?

Failing either, when that last year was filled with thinking about problems, regardless… what else was different from your earlier years?

Do you see no difference between your brain not letting go of "you" and of "(your) maths problems"?

Do you see no difference between merely worrying, and (very) usefully waking up… to write solutions?

Can you specify how your life was "sporadically" permeated?