I'm at the end of my 2nd PhD. I dropped out of my first one after three years of abuse -- real abuse -- at the hands of a project postdoc. He would shout at me over anything and was sometimes physically violent. My supervisors wouldn't help me and I eventually dropped out with PTSD (not just because of him, but because that experience was happening alongside a lot of other horrible experiences in my life).
The trouble is, objectively I don't think I did anything wrong. I was recruited into a geography PhD and the postdoc was a physicist. He kept trying to make my project much harder than it was. I don't know why he was so angry, but his complaints about me were continuous. I think his standard was impossible, but nothing I tried made any difference.
Academia was my dream so eventually I tried again. This time is totally different, I have tons of support, I've published two papers and have finished a third. But the truth is that every second of every day I still feel like a bad student. I feel like there's this angry critical voice pulling apart everything I do.
Right now, my PhD is 95% done. I could finish it in a couple of weeks. But I just feel so bad about myself that I can't even look at it. I have a tiny bit of work on my third paper that I just can't do. I can't stop believing all of these horrible things about myself: that I'm lazy and stupid, I can't write my own code, I'm not smart enough, I'm bad at maths, I can't be trusted, my work is full of mistakes, nothing I do will come to any good.
I've seen a therapist, I've told my supervisors how I feel... nothing really makes a difference. It's got to the point where they are starting to be a bit critical of slow progress too, and these fears are becoming self-fulfilling.
Just wondered if anyone had any advice on moving forward.