I went to university to study a degree which has computer software and hardware elements to it. I didn't do badly in my normal modules at all, I never got below a 2:1 grade in any module, and some of them I got to over 80% percentage wise. Now, I don't feel like I come from a terribly good home, and there has been a lot going on in the background that is sort of still there, at least some of it is.
When it came to my dissertation I picked a topic somewhere in September last year. My topic was to do more with physics and graphics than my actual degree. I thought it would be interesting to find out about these things. I tried to do it in C++ which I already knew, and apply OpenGL to see it on the screen.
Honestly, I didn't know how or why but learning anything on the topic didn't work for me. Creating the programming environment took me days and sometimes I still have issues with just making the bare skeleton of things work. I followed a tutorial from over 10 years ago (so quite outdated for my liking) on how to do this particular thing, but its 2 days from hand in date number two and the practical side doesn't work. To give you an idea of time, I say I failed twice because I managed to get a 3 month extension due to Covid, and failed to hand anything in on hand in date one, and now will fail to hand in anything on hand-in date two because I simply can't learn how this works.
When it came to actually working and meeting with my supervisor, every meeting I would want to break down and cry, and so I'd avoid most meetings, and then further not be able to do any meetings online during Covid, because every single second I knew that I didn't understand a thing, and there was nothing to say to him. I haven't spoken to him for over 3 months. I generally tried to do work in the mornings, and only started with my hobbies in the evening so that I gave myself at least 3-6 hours of work per day to do this, especially after the extension was given as this was my only work for those three months. But it looks like I am just too stupid to do this. Tutorials for OpenGL took me days to get through in a way that I understand what was going on. I got some medication for my panic attacks, but generally, due to this work, I've been waking up to me sweating and breathing really fast for the last few weeks especially, not to mention constant nightmares I have. Needless to say, I find it difficult to be happy right now and people have been telling me I am distant and I act like I hate them.
I don't know how to move on from this failure and tackle the re-take, if it happens at all at this point. I want to ask for some sort of study leave, so that I can study what a dissertation is, and what is it that I could possibly research instead of this, and then hopefully go back and do the retake, not run away from my supervisor, and actually feel like I know what I am doing like I usually did during my modules. In general, I need some recommendations on how to tackle dissertation and failure, as well as how to pick a dissertation topic I feel like I can do.
Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask for help, please leave a comment on where I can go otherwise, but mostly I just wanted advice from people that actually have an academia background and could write a dissertation, especially in a computer or programming related field.