How do I professionally communicate to a colleague that I am not interested in helping with his project anymore?

Question

I'm a PhD student in a pretty large lab, and have come from a more theoretical background than the other members, so sometimes they ask me to help out with theoretical parts of projects. Generally I like this, but a postdoc recently asked me to help out with his project, and I tried to help but it has gone poorly. We've gotten nowhere, I find his problem ill-defined and don't actually understand what he wants from me, and he even seems to want me to take lead on the project. At this point, I'm not interested. Recently he emailed me asking for progress and I told him I hadn't had time to work on it, because I had 3+ other projects that I'm working on.

Then he suggested emailing my supervisor to ask if my supervisor could "give me more time to work on his project". I don't want this. Also, I briefly talked to my supervisor about this, and he agreed that it wasn't worth allocating time to if I wasn't interested. How do I communicate to this guy that my supervisor doesn't dictate what I spend time on, and I'm just not interested in following up at this point - politely? I literally just don't know what to say.

Answer 1

Your project is nice, but I now decided for myself that I can't invest more time in it. I'm too busy with other projects which have priority for my current research interests (so, talking to my advisor won't fix the issue).

And just repeat that same basic point when he tries to argue/discuss with you.

Answer 2

I think the issue you are facing is an important life lesson I had to learn (just an opinion). I think the real root of this issue is you feel bad. You don't like the idea of letting the other person down, and it makes you feel obligated. Maybe what I am stating is obvious, because if you weren't interested, and you felt comfortable saying no, then you would have by now.

The first thing I learned, is that when I pretend I am interested in something that somebody else is doing, they expect I truly am. I get their hopes up. They are starting to plan with me included in those plans. In other words, it's a waste of their time, and the sooner you say no, the better is is for them. So don't feel bad. You are helping them out and are helping them find somebody who actually is interested and will contribute sooner. And if you are friends with this person, you risk making the friendship/professional relationship go sour if you don't contribute like they expect you to. They might see you has phony or lazy which isn't true.

The second thing, is your time is important and it always will end up looking worse for you the more you try to cover things up. The more you lie or potentially act interested, the more he is going to push for ways to either keep you interested or communicate with people to keep you involved. He needs to know it's a firm no coming from you. You can say something like:

"Hey I really thought I had time to take on this project, but I don't. I have other things stressing me out that I need to take care of, and I apologize if I wasted any of your time".

Be firm. Don't act like you are thinking about it. If he asks what the problems are, just say it's personal. It's your life and he needs to respect that. You can also just straight up say:

"I thought I was interested, but I'm not I'm so sorry. I have a lot of other things going on and I would just be wasting your time".

Don't like either? That's fine, but realize if you try to say "my supervisor said it was a bad idea" he might reach out to your supervisor or ask you to reach out, then what do you say? Then it becomes obvious it's really you that just flat out does not want to work on it anyways and ends up looking worse for you. I would try to be as direct and honest as possible.

Answer 3

As PhD students, and in academia in general, we can take projects and their outcome very personally and empathically. This is good when it leads to excitement and motivation but can also lead to disappointment and guilt. I think it is good to learn to be more pragmatic and accept that

• Eventually deciding that a problem is ill-defined,
• Prioritizing time towards promising projects,
• Working with the people whose research interest are most closely aligned to yours

are all natural aspects of research. Feelings don't have to play a major part in these decisions. Learning to manage your projects objectively and in a level-headed manner is difficult enough. I would advise you to try not to personally burden yourself of the additional emotional weight of this other person's research progress.

On the flip side, a more senior person in academia (post-doc / professor) also has to learn to compose with the interest of their collaborators. If the person has any sense, they will not try to involve you if they understand you have no interest. A collaborator's interest might come and go depending on the advancement or results of a project – this is normal.

That being said

• Answering politely that you are busy with other projects, as recommended by other answers, is totally fine. Giving a realistic assessment of the time you can allocate to the project is the right thing to do, even if that time is null. This will allow the person to rethink the management of the project.

• Optionally, you can develop further and explain the reasons why your interest has shifted, why you think the problem is ill-posed, and what troubles you in the direction that the project has taken. While requiring more work and reflection on your part, this is a very kind thing to do, and shouldn't be see as negative. Constructive criticism can help the person's thoughts on that project, and could also help them understand how to lead a more successful collaboration next time.

Answer 4

Yeah the takeaway I'm getting from this ("I tried to help but it has gone poorly. We've gotten nowhere, I find his problem ill-defined and don't actually understand what he wants from me") - you're not impressed with his work. You don't want to lend more of your time because you've (reasonably) become convinced that you'd be carrying the weight in the relationship, there's not much in it for you, and you have plenty of your own fish to fry. Good for you! This happens a lot in life and now's a great time to practice the firm no.

One good tack is to tell him that you've become overwhelmingly interested in {something else; e.g. bitcoin, interstellar travel, whatever} and you have a huge passion for pushing forward with it because it's the future, and you're sorry but he should find someone else; your heart and mind have become 110% committed to {this another, vague thing} - doesn't need too much detail other than a statement of passion for new thing. It's a brush-off but people are really accepting of it; they get the message that you cannot be convinced otherwise, it doesn't rub their nose in you leaving their thing behind, and they remember you as this passionate, driven, smart person who's shooting for the stars. I'm sure you have several real things you are (more) passionate about than working with him, so just use one of those. This method doesn't require you to provide any negative commentary about his project or his progress on it. I kinda invented this by accident one time (I really was wildly passionate about 'new thing'), noticed how well it worked (even if 'new thing' is pretty far-fetched, people respect passion even if they quietly pity your foolishness; 'I'm inventing a new currency to replace bitcoin!') and it comes in pretty handy here and there.

Footnote: It's just about conceivable that he'll try to guilt-trip you, in which case F that guy frankly, you totally dodged a bullet.

Answer 5

Why don't you simply say verbatim what you wrote in question: "I'm not interested"?

You won't make it better to anyone by sugarcoating it, trying to invent excuses or giving false hopes. It is not your project. You're not obliged to be interested in it. If other party is stubborn enough enough, this will only give them reasons to invest more into trying to get you on board and the more they invested, the more they will be dissatisfied in the end.

"I'm not interested. I don't want to take time from my other tasks. Sorry, I can't help you anymore."

You can explain project's problems to be extra nice, but make sure to stress that it isn't checklist for "fix that and then I'll agree" while doing so.