Is PhD not for me?

Question

I am a third year undergrad in computer science, at a US university. Even before I was an undergrad, I was considering pursuing a PhD in theory after graduation; until the research internship I did this summer (for CS people, it was in quantum comp. complexity). I really enjoy the courses I take, and like thinking about/working on CS theory outside school, too. I also enjoyed idea of doing research as a full time job.

However, after some weeks into the internship, I started to have a quite hard time reading the papers on the topic I was working on; they started to feel like they were just too hard for me to understand. It was taking too long to grasp the idea of even a couple of pages. I had to study late after work for quite some time. But, I don't think that's the real problem. The real problem is that, I did not enjoy the struggle, I felt miserable, tired and stressed. Although I kept pushing and working on it for some more time, after a point, I just lost the energy to continue and just procrastinated for a couple of weeks. And at the end of the internship, I had no result. I feel like I could only learn a little about the topic and the current work on it, let alone coming up with an idea of mine or contributing anything. At the meetings with my advisor, I could only talk a little bit about what I read, I did not have any new ideas; most of the time I was just listening to his ideas. I think that maybe the only reasons I wanted a PhD was that I was doing good in courses or to prove that I am smart to enough to be a researcher. These feelings and loss of energy made me really scared of the ~5 years commitment to a PhD, or maybe the life-long commitment to a career in research. I keep thinking that same could happen during the PhD and I would have wasted many (could-be-)productive years.

On the other hand, I don't think I want to work as an engineer, just coding everyday and developing some apps, following some "best practices" without thinking, using my brain much; although it feels a lot easier to do so (and maybe leads to a more enjoyable life, since I would be actually free after work hours). I feel like that would be underutilizing my capacity.

I know that someone cannot decide for me, or know what I really want. But my question is that, how can I decide which way should I choose? What should I ask myself? What should I try (for example, maybe doing a masters first)?

Answer 1

Tangentially related: How can I make an informed decision on whether to do a PhD in engineering or not?

If you were miserable, tired, stressed, had no results, and procrastinated for weeks, I'd indeed take it as a warning sign that you should not do a PhD (at least in quantum complexity theory). A few things to think about though:

• You're a 3rd year undergraduate. You're not expected to know research-level material, and in fact are expected to struggle to understand them.
• You don't have to decide now. You might for example be able to do a 4th year of study (an Honours year) or a Masters degree where you get a second chance at research. If you find it miserable, tiring, stressful, etc, then you can still exit and avoid going to a PhD.
• It's possible your misery is because of your supervisor. Was your supervisor helpful or approachable? Did she provide close supervision? Did you feel like you were left to fend for yourself? It's somewhat surprising to me that you can procrastinate for 2 weeks and the supervisor not intervene, especially since summer internships are short duration so you can't really afford to waste this much time.
• You can also ask your supervisor whether she thinks you're suited to PhD study.
• Don't stereotype what engineers do. Assuming you've never been an engineer before, you know even less about what engineers do than what PhD students do. There's a very good chance that the job will require you to use your brain - one common reason for people changing jobs is that they need a new challenge (read: old job doesn't require them to use their brain enough), and engineering not known as a high-attrition rate job.

Answer 2

On the one hand, the things that you struggled with are common struggles and do not in any way indicate that you aren't capable of doing a PhD or don't belong in a PhD program.

On the other hand, the fact that you were so unhappy in these situations (which are normal when doing research!) might indicate that you would be similarly unhappy in a PhD program.

Now maybe there were aspects of this particular setting that were the problem, and it's worth thinking about what made you unhappy and whether a different approach would be better for you, and it's worth trying another research opportunity to figure out if it was the subject or the advisor or the setting that was the problem. But honestly, most of what you talk about in your question sounds like you are unhappy doing research. Doing research involves butting your head against very difficult and confusing things. To enjoy research you have to to some extent enjoy that struggle. There are lots of interesting paths through life, you don't have to choose one that is going to make you unhappy!