Timeline for How to deal with an advisor who wants a "friendlier" relationship with me than I do?
Current License: CC BY-SA 3.0
56 events
| when toggle format | what | by | license | comment | |
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| Sep 16, 2018 at 3:09 | comment | added | WGroleau | Asking for "something in writing from him discussing your current performance" has the risk of him wondering why you are requesting it. But perhaps you could get another professor to think up a plausible reason for asking without revealing that you were the one wanting it. | |
| Jan 25, 2018 at 0:08 | comment | added | Daniel | I wish people would come here afterwards and tells us how they proceeded and what were the consequences of the decision. These types of questions always end on a permanent cliffhanger. 😢 | |
| Dec 18, 2015 at 13:48 | answer | added | Captain Emacs | timeline score: 1 | |
| S Dec 18, 2015 at 12:34 | history | suggested | BCLC | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
what, then
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| Dec 18, 2015 at 11:34 | review | Suggested edits | |||
| S Dec 18, 2015 at 12:34 | |||||
| Oct 20, 2015 at 4:48 | comment | added | Mari-Lou A | Update desperately needed. What happened? | |
| Mar 3, 2015 at 20:38 | answer | added | Yasha | timeline score: 2 | |
| Mar 3, 2015 at 18:07 | comment | added | SE318 | Just one small thing(not sufficient to be an answer of its own), If you choose to take formal action about this(I don't want to take a stance on whether you should or not, just saying if you do...), I recommend beforehand getting something in writing from him discussing your current performance. That way, after you do whatever you do, if his attitude towards you suddenly changes as a result, you have proof of this attitude change, and it isn't just his word against yours. | |
| Mar 3, 2015 at 17:17 | answer | added | Anonymous | timeline score: 0 | |
| Oct 18, 2014 at 20:02 | comment | added | ybakos | An advisor like this is a total d-bag. | |
| Sep 24, 2014 at 18:48 | comment | added | arkon | The word integrity comes to mind. Which, of course, means not only selecting what you think is the morally correct course of action, but being able to face the aftereffects of your decision. I'm so sorry that you're in this position to begin with. But as long as you pick the choice that you'll be most proud of 10, 20, 30 years down the road, you'll come out okay. Good luck to you. | |
| Sep 24, 2014 at 8:30 | answer | added | msouth | timeline score: 1 | |
| Sep 24, 2014 at 2:54 | comment | added | user18072 | Can I suggest changing title to "who wants a romantic relationship with me", "makes unwanted romantic gestures", etc.? It would be far more apparent to other visitors or people on the net who need advice on this. | |
| Sep 24, 2014 at 2:38 | comment | added | Cape Code | @jww fear of retaliation and deference for advisors is vastly exaggerated among graduate students. This is a western country where women don't get sacked for asking to be treated with respect. In a private company, creepy-advisor here would face serious consequences and it's time academics get treated with the same standards. This is especially true in departments that host virulent gender equality advocates. | |
| Sep 24, 2014 at 2:27 | comment | added | Cape Code | @jww I'm not saying that it's risk-free, but the 'fake boyfriend' scheme will fail for the reasons listed below. Not to mention it's highly problematic on the principle. Frankly, it's unlikely that OP will sustain this abusive relationship until she graduates. If making her advisor act like a grown up prevents him from working with her, maybe it's better if he doesn't. | |
| Sep 24, 2014 at 2:05 | comment | added | user18370 | @Jigg - I think justme is in a situation that needs to be handled tactfully and gracefully. While the head-on approach will surely work to end the behavior, its has a real potential to end her career before it begins. Before justme considers that approach, I think it would behoove her to find a solution that allows the creepy advisor to bow out himself and save face. If successful, I think it minimizes potential risk and damage to her career. (And I mean no insult to women by suggesting it). | |
| Sep 24, 2014 at 1:53 | comment | added | user18370 | To avoid the confrontation of other suggestions, you might gently dissuade him by letting him discover you are involved with someone else. I would not tell him directly - I would let him discover it or observe it. Perhaps you can send send your self flowers. If needed use a friend or a relative for a few pictures. Maybe even a fictitious email account and send yourself mildly romantic notes. If that does not work, then maybe escalation is the option you should pursue. | |
| Sep 23, 2014 at 20:02 | comment | added | Ellen Spertus | @coburne I agree with you that it would be good to hear from an Australian academic but I disagree with you that women are protected in the US. | |
| Sep 23, 2014 at 0:58 | comment | added | user14102 | The issue is if there is an abuse pattern or this is just an awkward situation. See Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why does he do that?" Research shows: the female's feeling is the most reliable predictor of whether there is an abuse pattern or not. If this is the case, the problem is his system of values; no amount of talking on her part will help. By the way, lots of men with this pattern are respectable, with good jobs, friendly, professional. Such men think they, not she, decide whether to have a relationship or not, and then she becomes in his mind "this little bitch who wants to ruin my career" | |
| Sep 21, 2014 at 16:43 | comment | added | An old man in the sea. | @Jigg, if by informal you mean 'calling a meeting' wow! And the 2nd most voted seems to be based a bit too much on his/her personal experience. It seems as if the author, had experience only with very ill-intent and relentless people that would go after someone even after knowing they had relationship. | |
| Sep 21, 2014 at 12:36 | comment | added | Cape Code | @Anoldmaninthesea. The 3 most up-voted answers suggest informal approaches, none of them mention filing a report for harassment as the first step. The 'fake boyfriend' approach is a terrible advice as discussed below. | |
| Sep 20, 2014 at 23:44 | answer | added | Ellen Spertus | timeline score: 56 | |
| Sep 20, 2014 at 21:14 | comment | added | An old man in the sea. | (REsuming 1st solution) Or you could just say, as if your disclosing casually in a conversation, that you're at a point in time, when you're not looking for any relationships, and you just want to devote yourself to research or something similar. (this is the tread soft solution) 2nd If still, he continues with the attempts, tell him, straight on, that you're just not into him and that you feel it's not proper to get into a romantic involvement with your advisor. 3rd if nothin of the above works, go for the filing the report/complaint. | |
| Sep 20, 2014 at 21:07 | comment | added | An old man in the sea. | @justme I've skimmed through most answers and comments and most lack one thing. Informality. First, before going for very serious and consequential measures like filing a report for Harassment, you should try to solve this informally. Every person deserves a modicum of respect and justice. Your advisor may even not be aware that his interest in you is not being reciprocated. There are people like that. 1st Casually release the info that you already have a boyfriend, or someone you already have a commitment. Most of the times this is enough for the attempts to stop. | |
| Sep 19, 2014 at 19:48 | comment | added | WernerCD | related and relevant?: science.slashdot.org/story/14/09/19/1548209/… - Survey of Academic Field Experiences (SAFE): Trainees Report Harassment and Assault | |
| Sep 19, 2014 at 18:43 | comment | added | Quora Feans | There should be a tag <creepy men in academia>. | |
| Sep 19, 2014 at 14:33 | comment | added | coburne | I'd love to hear from somebody w/ experience in Australian academics to know if these answers being given are relevant. To me they seem presumptuous in assuming Australia brings the hammer down on stuff like this like they do in the US...I'm curious if that's truly the case because I'm worried she's going to be ostracized by an influential professor who's already shown to have no problem ignoring research-related communication. | |
| Sep 19, 2014 at 9:24 | answer | added | StrongBad | timeline score: 3 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 19:08 | history | protected | eykanal | ||
| Sep 18, 2014 at 18:59 | answer | added | Concerned_Citizen | timeline score: 11 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 15:32 | answer | added | Jim Conant | timeline score: 4 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 15:08 | answer | added | UmNyobe | timeline score: 50 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 12:53 | answer | added | cbeleites | timeline score: 10 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 11:32 | answer | added | Tara B | timeline score: 69 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 8:34 | answer | added | ff524 | timeline score: 120 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 7:55 | answer | added | inckka | timeline score: -6 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 5:00 | history | edited | aeismail | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
edited title
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| Sep 18, 2014 at 3:56 | answer | added | user8661 | timeline score: 5 | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 0:34 | comment | added | Cape Code | This is a horrible story. His behavior is completely inappropriate, especially knowing the strong hierarchical component to it. I truly hope you will find a way out of this. | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 0:30 | comment | added | Steve Jessop | @venny: ah, the old "no means maybe" routine, or even the "looking really uncomfortable and not responding to my inappropriate advances that I've cleverly made plausibly-deniable so that if you straight say 'no' I can pretend you're imagining the whole thing and if you don't I can proceed as if you're potentially interested, means maybe" routine. I'm not saying people don't think this, but it's still a delusion. | |
| Sep 18, 2014 at 0:25 | comment | added | Ryan Reich | From your title I initially reacted "oh, if only I'd had that problem", but alas, yours is not the good kind of friendliness. This sounds rather unprofessional. | |
| Sep 17, 2014 at 23:23 | comment | added | venny | Maybe your indifference makes him think that you are testing his persistence. | |
| Sep 17, 2014 at 22:31 | comment | added | Kaz | You should know that although women are often the target of this sort of thing, men completely understand this I feel a "tightness in my chest" from reading your account which is why I wouldn't do that (among other reasons). The discomfort of the situation is very obvious. The advisor is lacking in basic empathy, never mind ethics: he is unaware in how his behaviors affect others. That is the source of the difficulty, because it raises the implicit question: can he even be made properly aware. | |
| Sep 17, 2014 at 22:07 | history | edited | aeismail | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
added 38 characters in body
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| Sep 17, 2014 at 21:46 | answer | added | MrMeritology | timeline score: 70 | |
| Sep 17, 2014 at 19:29 | comment | added | user8661 | @Justme Have you told him that his behaviour isn't welcomed? | |
| Sep 17, 2014 at 19:10 | history | edited | ff524 | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
added information from comments
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| Sep 17, 2014 at 18:35 | history | edited | ff524 |
edited tags; edited tags
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| Sep 17, 2014 at 18:17 | comment | added | StrongBad | I agree, the sexual/romantic aspects of "close friends", it is best to just say that. | |
| Sep 17, 2014 at 18:17 | history | edited | StrongBad | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
Clarified that this is a sexual/romantic issue.
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| Sep 17, 2014 at 18:12 | history | tweeted | twitter.com/#!/StackAcademia/status/512303150301081600 | ||
| Sep 17, 2014 at 18:08 | comment | added | Wrzlprmft♦ | @justme: You might want to add these aspects to the question since they make a huge difference. Also, I am wondering whether you might get better answers to this on the Workplace. (Not that I consider it to be off-topic here, as advisee–advisor relationships are not exactly the same as employee–employer relationships.) | |
| Sep 17, 2014 at 17:55 | history | edited | Wrzlprmft♦ | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
More informative title, some language and formatting.
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| Sep 17, 2014 at 17:49 | history | edited | justme | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
added 2 characters in body
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| Sep 17, 2014 at 17:18 | review | First posts | |||
| Sep 17, 2014 at 17:56 | |||||
| Sep 17, 2014 at 17:15 | history | asked | justme | CC BY-SA 3.0 |